Thursday, March 20, 2014

Magic mirror tells charity CEO she is no longer best fundraiser of them all



The CEO of Metro’s largest charity is no longer the best fundraiser of them all, according to her anthropomorphic, malevolent magic mirror.

Metro Hospital Foundation CEO Cindy Maleficent has been using the magic mirror every day before starting work since she took over the charity ten years ago. Upon moving to Metro from Texas she was granted the mirror by an evil spirit in a Faustian bargain to receive superior fundraising skills, unnatural beauty and a savvy evil fashion sense. The mirror is in a hidden alcove in her large office at the hospital, next to the dungeon where she makes magic potions that enslave major donors and force them to give to the Foundation.

Everything changed last week when for the first time the mirror told her she was not the best fundraiser of them all. “Alas, my queen, you are the fairest fundraiser in America so true. But Snow White, the new major gifts officer you just hired, is a thousand times a better fundraiser than you,” the evil prognosticator said.

“Alas for her, you mean!” Maleficent was heard to grumble upon leaving her alcove and leading a staff meeting where Snow White was making a presentation.

The slim, black-haired White is a recent university graduate from Boston. She was hired by Maleficent for her brief stint as a major gifts officer at Boston’s Snidely Children’s Hospital. Maleficent told Finance Director Dibble Brewer that White was just the perfect “bimbo” she needed to complete the major gifts team at the Foundation, which is dominated by people Maleficent can easily dominate and outshine. The Foundation has had a high turnover in fundraisers since Maleficent took over. Some left quickly for other jobs, one or two simply disappeared, but most were fired for one reason or another.

But White wasn’t what Maleficent expected. Her perky personality and clever fundraising skills soon distinguished her from her peers. Within a short period of time she was bringing in more donations than all of her colleagues. She also had a better grasp of the Foundation’s database and twice as many connections then Maleficent on Linkedin.

Staff said they found the normally cold and vindictive Maleficent strangely quiet and “all smiley” during White’s presentation, in which the young fundraiser proposed a new major gifts strategy. Staff members were impressed with White’s plan.

Maleficent was seen to call on Annual Gifts Director Jeff Woodsman aside for a brief, heated private conversation before inviting Snow White to make a presentation at the local AFP chapter at a downtown hotel.

“You have such heart, my dear,” Maleficent told Snow White before leaving the staff meeting and heading back to her lair. “I wish I had it,” she added, chuckling on the way down the hallway.

White, oblivious to death stalking her, is making plans for a cool PowerPoint for the supposed AFP chapter meeting. Woodsman later made an excuse to get time off work and started searching the web for a butcher shop that sells pig hearts.