Sunday, February 2, 2014

Rich philanthropist urged to donate $2 million to university gym to give closure to otherwise meaningless, worthless life

Metro University is asking philanthropist Sid Moneybags to make a signature gift to their new gym campaign to bring “closure to your otherwise meaningless and worthless existence.”

The pitch was made in a special ask to the Moneybags family by senior advancement leaders and university president Dr. Melvin Snidely. In a special presentation at the alumni lounge they went over Moneybags’ pointless life and throwaway achievements, urging him to make a last grasp at some kind of significance out of his life.

“We ditched the typical approach to a major gift ask – the flattery, the name-dropping, the prestige. Instead, we just made it plain and simple. We told him ‘Sid, you are nothing without giving at least $2 million to our new gym,” said Vice-President of Advancement Dibble Brewer.

The Moneybags were asked to be the lead sponsors in Metro University’s new “One More Gym” capital campaign, which aims to raise $50 million to build an identical gym across the road from the existing gym that was opened last year.

Sid Moneybags made his fortune on Wall Street as a stock trader and investment banker. He has been a modest, but consistent donor to the University, which he attended for half-a-year when he was 18. Now, 67 and retired, Brewer says Moneybags is right for an ask that questions his very soul.

“We laid it out for him. His failed marriages. His dysfunctional children, some of which went to our University. His rabid, raw quest for greed to replace the lack of love he had as a child. Even the shame of  how he wet the bed till he was six years old,” said Brewer about the ask, which took a team of ten majors gifts officers, psychologists, private investigators and a stand-up comedian a year to create.

“But we had to tear him down. We had to, so we could build him back up to make this gym a reality and to make the world a better place for all humankind.”

The ask included bringing in some of the University’s top researchers. A team of six physicists, including two Nobel Laureates, made a one hour scientific presentation about the insignificant contribution Moneybags made to the Cosmos. Later, a group of award-winning philosophers and theologians held a debate about how much better the world be if Moneybags had never been born. Finally, researchers from the medical school explained the high probability that Moneybags will die suddenly because of his smoking, lack of exercise and drinking.

Dr. Snidely gave the final presentation, showing pictures of the new gym and showing a video of students who say they would use it.

“For some reason, Sid felt that his practical non-existence was sufficient for his legacy at this time,” said Brewer. “He didn’t give us a cent. And then he went off and became a monk working with lepers in Africa or some stupid thing. What a disappointment.”

Nonetheless, Brewer says the unique ask was a success. It was unique and powerful.

“It didn’t work this time, but there are certainly other millionaires out there whose lives are equally empty and meaningless,” he said. “In fact, all of them are.”


NPHumour needs your support
To help keep us going