Thursday, March 28, 2013

Chocolate is out front...



Chocolate is currently leading Coffee 
in the philanthropic battle of the century
PLEDGE YOUR ALLEGIANCE 

Do you believe that the world of fundraising revolves around chocolate? Or is it coffee? It's time to resolve this age-old discussion between fundraisers once and for all. Non-Profit Humour -- the world's only fundraising comedy site -- will show you how. Pledge your allegiance to chocolate or coffee and let the world know who rules philanthropy! 

HOW TO PLAY
Pick your poison -- chocolate or coffee. Don't know which to pick? Take a look at our two videos below to be inspired. The rest is easy. And it's FREE thanks to our North American Sponsor -- JohnSuart.Com. 
  1. Vote by hitting the LIKE button for your video at YouTube.
  2. OR vote by Tweeting your hashtag on Twitter
  3. Then go to the NPHumour online store and buy your chocolate/coffee gear!

NPHumour will announce the winner the week of April 6.

Go to YouTube and vote for your favourite video.



VOTE FOR CHOCOLATE

CHOCOLATE HASHTAG:
#chocophilwins

 

  VOTE FOR COFFEE

COFFEE HASHTAG:
#cafephilwins



Coffee Rules!
Chocolate is King!





NORTH AMERICAN SPONSOR

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Irish charities running out of Leprechauns




The Irish Government is stepping in to financially support dozens of major charities because of a lack of Leprechauns.

The Taoiseach, or Prime Minister of Ireland, declared a “charity emergency” this morning after a number of leading Irish charities reported that they had run out of the mischief-making, tiny fairy creatures who have pots of gold and grant three wishes when captured by humans.

For centuries, Irish charities have relied on the “wee folk” linked to the Tuatha Dé Danann of mythology to fund their programs. The system began to falter in 2000 when a government study found that most charity Leprechauns were becoming too old. It found that the majority of Pots’ of Gold had been “significantly drained” after hundreds of years and that finding replacement fairy creatures was near impossible. The study concluded that Irish charities had developed an over-reliance on the Leprechauns and had lost the practical ability to capture new ones. Further, most of the three wishes Leprechauns grant had already been used.

The crisis has brought many Irish charities to near bankruptcy, says sector leaders.

“This is a disaster for the charitable sector and for the country. We will no longer be able to depend on this revenue stream to keep our programs going,” said Seamus O’Snidely, President of the Irish league of Big Honking Charities. “We’re going to actually have to start fundraising again.”

Not since St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland in 398 AD have Irish charities resorted to asking the public for donations. With the capture of the first Leprechaun in 415 AD, most fundraising has been confined to giving to religions that don’t believe in fairies.

“Our aging population of Leprechauns just can’t carry the weight of all our national charitable programs any more. We’ve tried a number of techniques to motivate them to give up their last remaining pots of gold, but it’s not working. We’ve already got them all,” said O’Snidely.

In response to the emergency, the Irish government has brought in a team of expert fundraisers from North America, including fundraising data experts The Batsch Group and charity marketing leaders JohnSuart.Com.

US charity leaders are watching the situation in Ireland closely. A number of US charities, especially universities, still use Leprechauns.

“The US situation is different from Ireland. But there are a number of big US universities that are experiencing the same impact as Irish charities,” said Dr. Dibble Brewer, a US charity expert and taxidermy specialist. “We might see some of the current billion dollar capital campaigns falter if US Leprechauns start encountering the same problems as their Irish counterparts.”

In a related story, several Irish charities have begun planning to capture the Tooth Fairy in order to secure new funding.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

Foundation to Stop Procrastination delays its new strategic plan, again

Wasn't there something I should be doing?



The new charity trying to fight chronic procrastination says it will be delaying its new strategic plan. The Foundation to Stop Procrastination was due to come up with its first five year plan last week, but now says it will have something to stakeholders by the end of next month.

“We just let this one get away from us,” said Foundation CEO Wendy Snidely. “We were working so hard on other important things that we just couldn’t get this done. We’ll have it in the bag next month. Really.”

The new charity was created last year after more than 20 years of study, discussion and research. The plan called for the Foundation to create its first strategic plan within two months of starting operations. It was first put off for six months because of lack of board engagement and then again two months ago because of a lack of staff preparation. Snidely says this time the problem was “competing priorities.”

“We have so much that we have to do to get this national charity off the ground,” she explained. “We just need more time.”

The Foundation has delayed several initiatives since it was launched. The first direct mail piece to donors at Christmas was actually sent in February. The hiring of staff, due to take place the week before launch, actually started months afterwards. Some staff positions have in fact not been filled. Even last year’s budget has never been approved and this year’s hasn’t been started yet.

“Our board hasn’t met for months. We just can’t get seem to find the time when everyone’s available,” said Snidely. “It’s very strange.”

The Foundation was set-up to combat chronic procrastination that experts say strikes thousands of people across the US every year. The condition makes them continually put off important activities again and again. Snidely says many who suffer from chronic procrastination don’t even know they have the disease.

Delayed strategic plans are nothing new to Metro charities. The Stop Disorganization Now Foundation also announced a delay in their plan after their preliminary report went missing.

“I had the strategic report in my hand, but then it vanished somewhere on my desk. We think it might have been stolen,” said CEO Dibble Brewer.

As well, the Metro Anarchist Foundation reported last week that their Board would up burning their strategic plan minutes after it was made because it was a symbol authority and the hierarchical organization of human relations, which they in fact oppose.



Saturday, March 16, 2013

Who rules Philanthropy? Coffee or Chocolate?


Have your say about who rules Philanthropy -- Coffee or Chocolate!
PLEDGE YOUR ALLEGIANCE 

Chocolate or Coffee?
Do you believe that the world of fundraising revolves around chocolate? Or is it coffee? It's time to resolve this age-old discussion between fundraisers once and for all. Non-Profit Humour -- the world's only fundraising comedy site -- will show you how. Pledge your allegiance to chocolate or coffee and let the world know who rules philanthropy! 

HOW TO PLAY
Pick your poison -- chocolate or coffee. Don't know which to pick? Take a look at our two videos below to be inspired. The rest is easy. And it's FREE thanks to our North American Sponsor -- JohnSuart.Com. 
  1. Vote by hitting the LIKE button for your video at YouTube.
  2. OR vote by Tweeting your hashtag on Twitter
  3. Then go to the NPHumour online store and buy your chocolate/coffee gear!

NPHumour will announce the winner the week of April 6.

Go to YouTube and vote for your favourite video.



VOTE FOR CHOCOLATE

CHOCOLATE HASHTAG:
#chocophilwins

 

  VOTE FOR COFFEE

COFFEE HASHTAG:
#cafephilwins



Coffee Rules!
Chocolate is King!





NORTH AMERICAN SPONSOR

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

New Pope said to favour annual giving over major gifts

At last, a Pope who believes in annual giving...


Annual gifts managers are celebrating along with the world’s 1 billion Catholics over the selection of Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires as the new Pope.

Pope Francis, a conservative on fundraising matters, has been a strong advocate for annual giving. He has spoken out many times against major gifts, as well as female priests and same-sex marriage.

“The selection of Pope Francis signals a clear shift towards giving on a regular basis as opposed to big gifts once in a while. Annual giving is the clear winner here,” said fundraising expert Carlo Snidelino, author of Popes and their fundraising philosophies.

The Pope’s selection was a surprise to many because of the predominance of major gifts supporters among the rumoured contenders for the position, including Italian Cardinal Angelo Scola and Brazilian Cardinal Odilo Scherer.

“All the money was on a major gifts Pope. That’s what most people expected. The cardinals have all been crazy about capital campaigns with big single gifts. This was totally unexpected,” said Major Gifts Magazine editor Dibble Brewer.

Vatican experts says the resignation of Benedict XVI was a major watershed in fundraising ideology. Benedict was a strong advocate for major giving, taking steps to advocate like-minded priests within the Curia. When he stepped down, many questioned the theological wisdom of asking a small number of donors for increasingly outlandish super-donations.

Pope Francis was rumoured to be the runner-up in the last conclave that selected Benedict. Experts like Snidelino say most people thought that had settled the thorny issue of whether annual giving or major gifts would be ascendant in fundraising theocracy.

“Certainly, this was a surprise,” said Dino Scalapini, the author of the New York Times best-seller, The Annual Giving Diet. “Not many Cardinals or development leaders have had the intellectual fortitude to embrace the true faith about annual giving. I had given up on the Church changing its dogma on fundraising teachings. I was totally floored when they picked Bergoglio.”

When Pope Francis appeared on the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica a number of TV commentators were left speechless, including noted major gifts fundraising Turner Bigpays from ZNN. Bigpays had been predicting a clear major gifts pope.

“I can’t believe it. They went with the guy who still believes in direct mail. What a schmuck,” he was heard to say.

Events fundraisers say they were disappointed that their favourite, Cardinal Peter Erdo, was not selected either.

“We knew that having an events man like Erdo was a longshot, but that’s ok,” said Event Now Magazine editor Tony Banquet. “We share a lot in common with the annual giving people. We both think the major gifts people are stuck up.”


Thursday, March 7, 2013

Concrete foundation industry getting hundreds of thousands of grant proposals by mistake

NOT giving grants to charities


The US Association of Concrete Foundation Businesses is lodging a complaint with US postal authorities because it says its members are being bombarded with grant proposals from desperate charities.

The Association says a survey of more than 3,000 of its members found that nearly half had received more than one charity grant proposal by mistake every month. Twenty percent said they received more than 10 a month.

“Our members are just plain fed up with the nation’s charities sending us all their pleading, begging grant proposals by mistake,” said Association President Rocko Snidely. “We’re in the concrete foundation business for Pete’s sake, not the giving foundation business. Can’t they get it? Block heads!”

The Association says that things have gotten so bad that they can predict any member with the word “Foundation” in their name will get dozens of grant letters each year. Most are from regional charities who appear to have placed the business’ name on a mailing list by mistake.

Sid Gravel, CEO of Gravel Foundation Inc. in Plano, Texas, says he gets an average of at least one grant proposal a week.

“Ever since we updated our website we started getting these letters from charities asking our ‘foundation’ for money. I write them back saying , hey, we aren’t a foundation, we pour them to make houses and office buildings,” he said. “It’s like they just Googled the word ‘foundation” and didn’t read the results too carefully.”

Gravel says the letters are sometimes accompanied by phone calls and, in some cases, visits.

“This woman in a nice dress shows up at our concrete mixing station where we load up the trucks to go pour foundations and she asks to speak to our ‘grants manager’. Geez, we thought she was from the IRS! Gave us a heart attack. Nobody comes down there if they ain’t in jeans and wearing a hardhat!”

The complaint mirrors a class action lawsuit launched by a law firm in New York representing thousands of people across the US whose first name is “Charity”. The lawsuit, filed against more than 150 regional charities, alleges that people named Charity are being overwhelmed by grant proposals and calls.

Dibble Brewer is with Dewey, Screwem and Howe, the firm leading the class action suit. She says the charities are unfairly targeting her clients.

“In one case, Mrs. Charity Gates of Seattle, Washington got more than 1,000 letters, 50 phone calls and 5,000 emails from charities trying to contact the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation,” she said. “These inhuman charities are trying to drown people in grant proposals.”

A spokesman for the association which represents America’s grant writers was surprised by the allegations against the charities. She says it may explain why many of their members can’t use Google Maps when attending regional grant writing meetings and sometimes wind up in other States by mistake.

“We’ve got to do more Internet search training,” she added.







Sunday, March 3, 2013

Darth Vader named head of this year’s Imperial United Way Campaign


Lord Darth Vader will be the next chair of the universe-wide Imperial United Way campaign. Officials made the announcement at their annual Kick-off breakfast on the unfinished Death Star orbiting the forest moon of Endor.

“We’re so pleased to have such a well-respected and authoritative campaign chair like Lord Vader be on our team this year. I know we will be able to make this year’s goal with his gloved hand on the controls,” said United Way CEO Grand Vizier Dibble Brewer.

This year, the annual campaign hopes to reach $1 billion credits – about 10% higher than last year’s campaign. Brewer says despite the challenges of the previous campaign he thinks the campaign will succeed.

“Last year was not a great campaign. We came up short on our campaign total, and, worse campaign chair Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin and many of our key supporters were blown up on the original Death Star near Yavin IV when they were attacked by non-philanthropist rebel forces at the campaign’s touch-down luncheon,” said Brewer.

Brewer hopes that having such a widely-known campaign chair, like Vader, will make the difference. Even though it will be Lord Vader’s first time heading up an United Way campaign, Brewer is confident that the dark Jedi will be able to make an impression.

“When the Emperor commanded Lord Vader to head the campaign, I think he was a little reluctant. He’s so used to chasing down rebel scum and destroying traitor’s home planets. This idea about raising money was new to him. But it took no time at all for him to catch on,” said Brewer.

Vader has already made major changes to the campaign’s direct mail system, replacing the two-page letter and free pens with a simple message “Give” and his picture. The change proved most effective, doubling return rates almost overnight.

Vader also helped with efforts to raise donations through payroll deductions among the Imperial forces. Previous years saw participation rate of only 20% among Stormtrooper Legions. But under Vader, that rate has grown to nearly 99%.

“We’ve also felt his steady hand at board meetings. Before, we used to debate the littlest things for hours – we couldn’t make a decision about anything. Then Lord Vader clicked his fingers and two of the most obstinate members of the board started choking. One even started levitating before he was Force-thrown into the next room.”

“Meetings have been so much faster and better since then,” said Brewer.

The Emperor has asked campaign officials and major donors to meet on the new Death Star next month near Endor for a “special event.” Emperor Palpatine himself will be in attendance. Brewer says up to 250 top people from the United Way will be there for a gala dinner, hosted by Lord Vader and a “surprise guest speaker”.

“We will see the destruction of the Rebel Alliance and a glorious end to the campaign all in one event. It should be something to remember.”