Sunday, December 1, 2013

Hegh qaD named Chair of Klingon United Way

Fundraise or DIE

The Klingon Home World United Way has named its 2014 campaign chair. Hegh qaD of the House of Owch will be taking over from WanHa' ghIch, who was killed in a pitched battle at the United Way campaign board of directors last month.

Hegh qaD, which roughly means “Death Face” in English, says he is pleased to lead the United Way in its 10 million darsek campaign.

“I am honoured to be a part of this glorious campaign. We shall paint the Empire with blood and donations – preferably both. Death to non-donors!” said Hegh qaD in a prepared statement.

Hegh qaD was until recently the commander of a renegade band of Klingon fundraisers that raided other worlds seeking enforced donations or planned gifts. In the last ten years, Hegh qaD has raised more than 2 million darseks and elevated thousands of donors to planned gift status in space combat and personal battle with his d'k tahg knife named “the donor stick”.

“We are very lucky to have a warrior of such skill and daring to be the leader of our United Way campaign. I have personally fought side-by-side with Hegh qaD against all manner of enemies. His work in fundraising has been glorious,” said Klingon High Chancellor Taj Lang.

The United Way campaign, which raises money for disadvantaged Klingons who need help learning warrior skills, did not make its campaign goal last year. Campaign officials immediately ordered a battle to the death among the senior campaign leaders.

“I know the heart of Klingons. I know their generosity, their kindness and their thirst for bloody battle in which they show no mercy to their enemies,” said Hegh qaD. “With this new campaign, we will try to reach deep into the soul of Klingons everywhere.”

Hegh qaD plans to visit key donors and challenge them to a battle with edged weapons until they fulfill their campaign pledges or die. In a new move, annual gift donors will be placed in a draw to fight Hegh qaD and other campaign leaders with disruptors at the Campaign touch down breakfast.

“We are not soft humans who need a tax receipt to make them give. We are Klingons. We live to fight. And this campaign will be the greatest battle of all time.”

Hegh qaD says he hopes to die in the service of the campaign or at least wear a terrible scar or lose at least an arm. In campaigning for the new Death Gym at Imperial University three years ago he lost an ear and the tip of one finger.

“I am not afraid to be killed like some human fundraiser. To fundraise is to battle. To battle is to die or be horribly mangled.”

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