Thursday, December 19, 2013

Our Christmas Video to you

Thanks for making NPH the success it is. Please accept our wish for a happy holiday and prosperous new year.

And to say thanks, here's our annual Christmas video with our friends at JohnSuart.Com.



Sunday, December 15, 2013

Our Annual People's Choice Awards

Welcome to our third annual awards - NP LOL!
Every year, we pick some of the best stories and ask you to vote for story of the year. This year, we have 10 finalists. Seven were selected because they had the most page views and three were just stories we liked. Go online now and vote for the top story. If you do, you'll be entered into a draw for a free gift from our online store. We'll announce the winners in January. Good Luck!


Conspiracy Theory Foundation suspicious as to why capital campaign is going so slow

Anti-social media foundation launches new social media fundraising campaign

Foundation to Stop Procrastination delays its new strategic plan, again

47 local charities mistakenly have gala fundraiser all on the same night

New study finds most fundraising consultants consult other consultants about consulting

Cash-strapped charity hands out new titles instead of pay raises

Work/Life Balance committee told to work late, weekends to get report done

Charity offers cash to get people to donate

Darth Vader named head of this year’s Imperial United Way Campaign

Gen Y pledges to support charities after Boomers pass as long as it somehow involves helping a cool band make their first album

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Santa Claus gets poor rating from Charity Watchdog

The largest charity scoring service in the US has given Santa Claus a poor rating. The jolly old elf received a zero star rating from Charity Watchdog Trust – the lowest rating possible.

In its annual release of charity ratings the Trust cited a number of concerns about Santa’s North Pole operations, especially transparency and financial accountability.

Santa received just 18 out of a possible score of 70. The Trust noted that fundraising efficiency – the key measure used to rate financial performance – was just $0.90.

“More than 90 percent of this charity’s budget was taken up by non-program expenses, including 66 percent spent on reindeer food. Program budgets haven’t risen in decades. This is a charity that spends very little on charitable activities,” the report noted.

“In fact, a review of this charity’s filings shows it only carries out charitable acts only once a year – there is no evidence of any charitable activity on the 364 other days of the year.”

The report also faulted Santa for not providing audited financial statements to donor, listing key leaders or listing the CEO salary. It also criticised the practice of hiring relatives of the CEO into key management positions, especially Mrs. Claus, who was recently made privacy officer on top of her current role as Chief Financial Officer. The Trust also was critical of non-humans in key operational roles, such as Rudolph and various snowmen.

The Trust noted that a review of Santa’s tax filings found most of the charity’s labour was provided by unpaid, indentured servants in violation of international labor agreements. “The work of this charity rests largely on small, human-like creatures who apparently work for no or little pay besides room and board and green work outfits and hats.”

Santa’s ageing infrastructure and supports also came in for sharp criticism. The Trust rated the North Poles data management system as the worst it has ever seen.

“The entire system appears to run on paper, powered by a crystal ball. There is no provision for quality controls, access barriers or privacy standards. The system is centuries old and substandard,” the report noted.

The overall poor rating puts Santa at the bottom of the trust’s charity rating list, even lower than several hospital foundations and Tea Party political organizations.

In response, Santa Claus called the Trust report “disappointing”.

In a related story, Trust officials found all of their Christmas presents replaced by lumps of coal.

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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Charity grinds to halt over whether to capitalize “Foundation” on second-reference, other grammar rules

Metro’s largest charity has closed its doors temporarily because of a heated dispute among its top leaders about grammar issues.

The Metro Hospital Foundation ran into trouble during the production of their latest print newsletter that no one reads when the Communications Director and the Finance Director nearly came to blows about whether to capitalize the word “Foundation” on second-reference.

“Shelia was very capitalizing the ‘F’ in Foundation throughout the newsletter and Wendy kept on crossing it out. Wendy told her that Associated Press style wouldn’t allow the capitalization of ‘Foundation’ unless it was a direct reference to our official name,” said a Foundation source.

Things went from bad to good when old school major gifts manager Marvin admitted that he never capitalized the titles of any of the senior leaders of the Foundation, including Executive Director Durbin Snidely. According to what he was taught in school, all titles were lowercase.

Snidely reportedly was extremely angered by the revelation and demanded to see all of Marvin’s correspondence with donors, telling him that since her business card had her title in caps, he should follow suit.

“I see he’s been lowercasing me all this time. Who does he think he is not capitalizing me. I’m the one in charge around here,” Snidely reportedly said.

The real crisis came after staff began to actually read the material they send to donors. More instances of capitalization came up, reducing some meetings to yelling matches where staff battled with grammar books and dictionaries.

“This is a capital campaign we’re doing here and it starts with a capital ‘C’,” Snidely angrily told a hurried staff meeting in the reception area near the end of the day.

Board Chair Burt Investment tried to calm the situation down, but lost all control when he found that his title was only capitalized some of the time.

“I’ve been capitalizing the ‘Executive Director’ for years only to find that she lowercases me,” he reportedly said. “She’s always been a loose cannon. She’s never realized that the Board is in charge. She will now!”

Sources say the Foundation could be closed for days until the capitalization row is settled.

“These people are just crazy,” said one source. “I just hope no one notices  that we appear to be using two versions of dates – month/day/year and day/month/year.”

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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

New scrolls show Jesus was more major gifts than annual giving

Major Gifts Man?
The long-time debate about whether Jesus favoured an annual giving or major gifts approach to fundraising has written a new chapter with the discovery of what appears to be an ancient tax receipt for the early church.

The discovery, made last month in the Dead Sea, unearthed the receipt on a scroll of a tax collector in Judea who took note of a “100 Sestertius” gift to the “Church of Jesus”. The scroll, say theologians, backs the idea that Jesus and the early Church backed major gifts over annual giving.

“This is the earliest tax receipt for a donation ever found and it clearly puts it in the realm of a major gift. It wasn’t just a few coins every month, this was a large amount all at once,” says Dr. Newt Snidely, head of the Center for Major Gift Fundraising Antiquities at the University of Southern North Dakota. “It shows as I have always suspected that Jesus was likely a major gifts proponent.”

Snidely says the receipt fits with what is known about donating from the bible. For example, in Luke 12:33 Jesus tells followers to “Sell your possessions, and give to the needy.”

“Jesus was always talking about rich people and how they should give up their wealth for the poor and follow him – sounds like the perfect major gifts pitch to me,” said Snidely.

But not all theologians and fundraisers agree. Dr. Dibble Brewer of the Moneybags Institute for Research into Annual Giving at the University of Upper Lower Athabasca says the receipt proves nothing.

“The local authorities back then didn’t write many tax receipts, especially for smaller, more frequent gifts to the church. This scroll may in fact show how rare major gifts were to the early church,” said Dr. Brewer. “This proves once again our interpretation of the Bible, which clearly shows that the Lord favour annual giving.”

Brewer says the scripture clearly favours annual giving, such as in Luke 21:1-4 . In that passage, Jesus sees a poor widow putting two small copper coins in a the temple poor box and praises her by saying “Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

“That shows that Jesus was well aware of the power and symbolism that only annual giving can bring to a campaign. Big gifts once in a while aren’t as holy as giving all the time. It’s as plain as the light of day.”

The debate will likely continue next month when Catholic scholars plan to release a new research paper on whether Jesus preferred stand-alone fundraising databases or ones that are integrated with a website.

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Sunday, December 1, 2013

Hegh qaD named Chair of Klingon United Way

Fundraise or DIE

The Klingon Home World United Way has named its 2014 campaign chair. Hegh qaD of the House of Owch will be taking over from WanHa' ghIch, who was killed in a pitched battle at the United Way campaign board of directors last month.

Hegh qaD, which roughly means “Death Face” in English, says he is pleased to lead the United Way in its 10 million darsek campaign.

“I am honoured to be a part of this glorious campaign. We shall paint the Empire with blood and donations – preferably both. Death to non-donors!” said Hegh qaD in a prepared statement.

Hegh qaD was until recently the commander of a renegade band of Klingon fundraisers that raided other worlds seeking enforced donations or planned gifts. In the last ten years, Hegh qaD has raised more than 2 million darseks and elevated thousands of donors to planned gift status in space combat and personal battle with his d'k tahg knife named “the donor stick”.

“We are very lucky to have a warrior of such skill and daring to be the leader of our United Way campaign. I have personally fought side-by-side with Hegh qaD against all manner of enemies. His work in fundraising has been glorious,” said Klingon High Chancellor Taj Lang.

The United Way campaign, which raises money for disadvantaged Klingons who need help learning warrior skills, did not make its campaign goal last year. Campaign officials immediately ordered a battle to the death among the senior campaign leaders.

“I know the heart of Klingons. I know their generosity, their kindness and their thirst for bloody battle in which they show no mercy to their enemies,” said Hegh qaD. “With this new campaign, we will try to reach deep into the soul of Klingons everywhere.”

Hegh qaD plans to visit key donors and challenge them to a battle with edged weapons until they fulfill their campaign pledges or die. In a new move, annual gift donors will be placed in a draw to fight Hegh qaD and other campaign leaders with disruptors at the Campaign touch down breakfast.

“We are not soft humans who need a tax receipt to make them give. We are Klingons. We live to fight. And this campaign will be the greatest battle of all time.”

Hegh qaD says he hopes to die in the service of the campaign or at least wear a terrible scar or lose at least an arm. In campaigning for the new Death Gym at Imperial University three years ago he lost an ear and the tip of one finger.

“I am not afraid to be killed like some human fundraiser. To fundraise is to battle. To battle is to die or be horribly mangled.”

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