Saturday, October 19, 2013

Mayan Calendar predicts all fundraising databases will explode November 27th…except one.

Scientists have announced that the ancient Mayan Calendar is predicting that all fundraising software in North and South America will blow up Nov. 27th. The only exception will be the smart, simple, easy-to-use fundraising solution called @EASE, made by The Batsch Group in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

The new interpretation of the Mayan Calendar was published in the Journal of Fundraising Science & Horse Grooming. It says the 5,126-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar clearly indicates that all fundraising databases and management software will “meet their doom in smoke and fire”.

Lead research Dr. Turner Snidely says the revelation came when his team from the University of Eastern Southern Alberta tried to come up with an explanation as to why scientists were wrong when they said the calendar predicted the end of the world in 2012.

“We Mayan experts were sitting around wondering why we were still alive when it just hit us. We had the stone calendar upside-down. When we turned it the right way, we saw the ancient Mayan symbol of fundraising and the one that means Armageddon right next to the date that now means November 27, 2013,” he said.

A third symbol meaning machines was also deciphered sandwiched in-between the two other symbols. The research team concluded that it could only mean that every fundraising machine, device or software will explode.

“The symbol of Armageddon they choose for the calendar is the really, really bad one. As Armageddon goes, this really bad. We’re talking really ouchy, here,” he said.

Surprisingly, the team also found a reference to an ancient Mayan prophesy of the “One” in the same Calendar reference. The prophesy predicts that an all-powerful, benevolent fundraising solution will emerge to bring peace and light to the world. Snidely said, they immediately thought of the fundraising solution made by @EASE because it is so powerful, intuitive and yet so easy to use.

“We’ve been using @EASE for years. When the Calendar talked about this One, we knew what it meant. It said it would emerge from somewhere north, and Alberta is far north of where the Mayans used to live. And the creation date of the @EASE system matches that of the birthday of the most famous Mayan fundraiser who lived 3,000 years ago. @EASE has got to be it,” he said.

Charity leaders and other fundraising solutions makers say they are alarmed by the new report. Tests by one large fundraising software maker where the dates of their systems were advanced to Nov. 27th led to a major explosion in their labs in New Jersey. Two people were injured. However, company executives say they are not sure whether the explosion was due to the Mayan Calendar since their complicated, expensive and difficult-to-use systems explode all the time.

“We’re telling every charity in the world to not turn on their fundraising systems on Nov. 27th. It’s too dangerous. Instead, we’re asking people to call the @EASE folks at The Batsch Group and get a demo ASAP. It’s free, and it might save  your life,” said Reilly O’Brewer, CEO of the League of Big Honking Charities.

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