|Addicted to fundraising?|
The White House is working together with national sports associations and educators to take action on the growing problem of adorable seven-to-10 year olds who are addicted to starting their own giving foundations.
A new study released earlier this year that three out of every four adorable US pre-teens have launched their own fundraising campaign, started a major giving foundation or written a book about charity in the last two years.
“The days of your neighbourhood adorable seven year old running a lemonade stand are over,” said Health & Human Services Under-Assistant-Deputy-Secretary Dr. Dennis Snidely. “These kids are becoming addicted to powerful charitable activities. They’re giving up sports, education and even careers to become the CEO of their own major giving foundation. It’s terrible.”
Addiction centers across the US report that they have been overwhelmed with requests for support from parents whose children want to end Malaria in Gambia, increase eco-tourism in Nepal or cure some of the rarest forms of cancer.
Last week, Missy Smith, a super-adorable nine year old in Virginia was hospitalized after working day and night for weeks on getting her whole town to use social media to stop racial discrimination. Her parents, Joe and Zeta, say Missy tried fundraising at a party at a friend’s house and became completely addicted.
“She lost all interest in school, dancing, horseback riding and all of the other adorable things over-achieving kids do. She just wanted to write a book about stopping racial discrimination and start a mega-foundation to raise a billion dollars to do it,” said Joe Smith. “It was completely senseless.”
Health & Human Services announced the formation of a new task force headed by the First lady to study the issue and make recommendations. Snidely says the move is in response to calls for action by educators and national sports figures.
“This new, deadly form of addiction is hitting our adorable pre-teens hard. All across the country parents are struggling with kids who just want to raise millions and millions of dollars for charity,” he said. “It’s destroying countless thousands of lives.”
The wave of addictions to giving foundations has prompted police and the US charity sector to issue warnings to parents and teachers.
“If you’re adorable pre-teen comes home with an idea how to end poverty in Calcutta or wants to visit people who live in garbage pits in Brazil, see a doctor or your mental health provider immediately,” said US League of Big Honking Charities CEO Dibble Brewer. “It could be a sign that something sinister is going on.”
“Real fundraising is actually boring and is only partially successful,” said FBI spokesperson Turner Jones. “If you kid tells you it’s exciting and could change the world, they are probably high.”