Thursday, October 31, 2013

Charity secretly plants remote control explosive device in major pledge agreements

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Metro’s largest charity says it has placed a secret remote control explosive device into the pledge agreements for large donors. In a letter to donors who gave more than $50,000, the Metro Hospital Foundation says that if pledge payments are not made on time the agreement will explode.

“We have noticed that many of you have stopped making payments on your pledge, and others have been late,” said Foundation CEO Dennis Snidely. “What you don’t know is that we have planted an explosive device within the agreement and we intend to set it off if you do not meet your philanthropic obligations to helping Metro building the best hospital in the USA.”

Snidely told reporters that the Foundation secretly planted the devices years ago when pledge payments began to drop sharply. The devices, which he refused to give details on, were powerful enough to destroy an entire city block, he said.

The announcement caused a stir among movers and shakers across Metro when it was sent. Major donors across the city stampeded to the Foundation to make delinquent payments on their pledges. At least one called the police, but the local bomb squad could not find any trace of explosive on the ten page document in question.

In the letter to donors, Snidely said the Foundation would be setting off one device a day starting tomorrow until all pledges were paid and then asked donors to consider a further gift by leaving a sizeable amount of money to the hospital in their will.

Donors say they are sure the Foundation is serious, and have taken steps to save themselves.

“Once I read the letter I knew. I just knew that the agreement was going to explode and kill my entire family. That Snidely always had an evil look about him. I went and paid what I owed,” said Ethel Moneybags, who gave $100,000 last year.

“They put my pledge agreement in an oversized envelop,” said Turner Werner, who made a $1 million donation just a month ago. I always wondered why that was. Now I know. It smelled like pesticide.”

Snidely says he has been satisfied with response from major donors so far, but there are still a handful who have not yet paid.

“These fat cat donors think they can pledge whatever they want and then renege. Not on my watch. I’d rather see them die in a fiery explosion,” he said.

The letter to donors included a picture of Snidely caressing a huge explosive plunger device in his office next to his espresso machine.

“You’d better not make me wait,” said a caption under the picture.
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