Thursday, October 31, 2013

Charity secretly plants remote control explosive device in major pledge agreements

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Metro’s largest charity says it has placed a secret remote control explosive device into the pledge agreements for large donors. In a letter to donors who gave more than $50,000, the Metro Hospital Foundation says that if pledge payments are not made on time the agreement will explode.

“We have noticed that many of you have stopped making payments on your pledge, and others have been late,” said Foundation CEO Dennis Snidely. “What you don’t know is that we have planted an explosive device within the agreement and we intend to set it off if you do not meet your philanthropic obligations to helping Metro building the best hospital in the USA.”

Snidely told reporters that the Foundation secretly planted the devices years ago when pledge payments began to drop sharply. The devices, which he refused to give details on, were powerful enough to destroy an entire city block, he said.

The announcement caused a stir among movers and shakers across Metro when it was sent. Major donors across the city stampeded to the Foundation to make delinquent payments on their pledges. At least one called the police, but the local bomb squad could not find any trace of explosive on the ten page document in question.

In the letter to donors, Snidely said the Foundation would be setting off one device a day starting tomorrow until all pledges were paid and then asked donors to consider a further gift by leaving a sizeable amount of money to the hospital in their will.

Donors say they are sure the Foundation is serious, and have taken steps to save themselves.

“Once I read the letter I knew. I just knew that the agreement was going to explode and kill my entire family. That Snidely always had an evil look about him. I went and paid what I owed,” said Ethel Moneybags, who gave $100,000 last year.

“They put my pledge agreement in an oversized envelop,” said Turner Werner, who made a $1 million donation just a month ago. I always wondered why that was. Now I know. It smelled like pesticide.”

Snidely says he has been satisfied with response from major donors so far, but there are still a handful who have not yet paid.

“These fat cat donors think they can pledge whatever they want and then renege. Not on my watch. I’d rather see them die in a fiery explosion,” he said.

The letter to donors included a picture of Snidely caressing a huge explosive plunger device in his office next to his espresso machine.

“You’d better not make me wait,” said a caption under the picture.
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Sunday, October 27, 2013

University absolutely sure unemployed Gen Y graduates want to donate to new capital campaign

Wants to donate to the gym
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Metro University is sure its tens of thousands of unemployed and underemployed Generation Y graduates really want to donate to their new capital campaign. It believes it so strongly that it’s planning to send them a wall of fundraising emails, letters and social media messages.

The University’s new campaign, The Moneybags Gym Campaign, will seek more than $50 million in donations to match the $5 million pledged by rich philanthropist Sid Moneybags. The new gym complex, which will be built next to the existing gym complex, will feature more gyms, a second swimming pool and more lockers. University Vice-President of Advancement Sandra Snidely says it’s something that Gen Y’s would just love.

“This is a great opportunity, a chance for our unemployed and debt-ridden Gen Ys to really leave a powerful legacy for future unemployed and debt-ridden generations,” Snidely says. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to make a difference in the world…well, until the next capital campaign starts.”

Half of the University’s 50,000 graduates are now under 30. Recent Alumni surveys found that as many as half of each graduating class were unemployed, underemployed or simply hiding out in their parent's basement. The average debt load of graduating students was $25,000, and nearly a third were in default on payments. Despite that, Snidely says she thinks Gen Y graduates have such pride in the university that they will find the money somehow to make at least a $100 monthly gift to the campaign.

“Once they read about the new basketball courts and the larger bathrooms in this new gym, they will realize that they can’t pass this opportunity to make their mark on our university,” said Snidely. “They don’t need that new phone, that trip to the mall or food to eat. Those are frivolous things. A gym that will last 30 years that they had an infinitesimal hand in creating. That’s worth spending money on.”

The campaign ran into opposition when it sent out a massive direct mail piece to 10,000 recent graduates asking for gifts of more than $200 each. A number of graduates complained, and others went on social media to protest against the targeting of Gen Y graduates. Snidely says she’s sorry that some people were miffed by being asked for a donation to the university that put them into debt and left them without a job when they graduated.

“You know my heart goes out to them. It really does. But this gym is so absolutely amazing, I believe it is our duty to let each and every one of them know about it. It’s that’s special,” she said.

“And you know they gave us thousands of dollars in tuition while they were here. What’s a few hundred more? It’s not a lot to ask, really.”
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Thursday, October 24, 2013

No one notices when charity mistakenly adds same name 6,000 times to donor honour roll

Leaders of Metro’s largest charity discovered last week that their annual publication listing donor names contained a major error. The Metro Hospital Foundation Donor Honour Roll was supposed to list the charity’s top 2,000 donors. But in addition to those names, the magazine-type publication also listed one name, Dibble Brewer, 6,000 times by mistake.

“We found out quite by accident that the name ‘Dibble Brewer’ was mistakenly published 6,000 times, but strangely none of our donors seemed to notice,” said Spooley Snidely, CEO of the Foundation. “Thank goodness no one ever reads those things.”

The honour roll was published two months ago, but it was only last Tuesday when a board member reading the publication for the first time actually noticed the mistake.

“Burt Blurry was having insomnia again and he started reading the honor roll to help him go to sleep. In the past, it’s helped him nod off. But then, he noticed that on page three that every name was Dibble Brewer. And it was the same on page four, five and more,” said Snidely.

Snidely said in hindsight there were a number of clues that should have told them that there was something wrong with the publication, since it was three times as long as it usually is. The publication has always listed every name of every donor alphabetically. During production, the communications coordinator did check every name, but then handed the list over to an outside designer who mistakenly added 6,000 extra insertions of “Dibble Brewer”. When the design came back for approval, it wasn’t checked.

“I don’t blame my staff for not checking the list, I never do. In fact, in the past, we’ve had really trouble when people read every name. Two years ago, one of our people had a nervous breakdown because of it,” said Snidely.

Donors remained oblivious to the error. The only on to notice the problem was Dibble Brewer herself, who sent in a nice letter of thanks to the Foundation.

“I never read the thing, except for looking at my own name,” said Sid Moneybags, a major donor to the Foundation.

“I just thought there were a lot of people named Dibble Brewer who lived in Metro,” said Ethel Cash, another donor.

Snidely said a review of previous honor roll publications turned up similar errors, including several names inserted hundreds of times. In 2010, the honor roll actually contained the designer’s shopping list by mistake. In 1999, the entire manual for the Foundation’s new photocopier was somehow included. And last year, someone actually listed several names in Klingon, the make-believe language developed for the Star Trek TV series.

“If this had been an annual report or a brochure, I would have been really worried. Someone is always reading that shit,” said Snidely.


Saturday, October 19, 2013

Mayan Calendar predicts all fundraising databases will explode November 27th…except one.

Scientists have announced that the ancient Mayan Calendar is predicting that all fundraising software in North and South America will blow up Nov. 27th. The only exception will be the smart, simple, easy-to-use fundraising solution called @EASE, made by The Batsch Group in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

The new interpretation of the Mayan Calendar was published in the Journal of Fundraising Science & Horse Grooming. It says the 5,126-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar clearly indicates that all fundraising databases and management software will “meet their doom in smoke and fire”.

Lead research Dr. Turner Snidely says the revelation came when his team from the University of Eastern Southern Alberta tried to come up with an explanation as to why scientists were wrong when they said the calendar predicted the end of the world in 2012.

“We Mayan experts were sitting around wondering why we were still alive when it just hit us. We had the stone calendar upside-down. When we turned it the right way, we saw the ancient Mayan symbol of fundraising and the one that means Armageddon right next to the date that now means November 27, 2013,” he said.

A third symbol meaning machines was also deciphered sandwiched in-between the two other symbols. The research team concluded that it could only mean that every fundraising machine, device or software will explode.

“The symbol of Armageddon they choose for the calendar is the really, really bad one. As Armageddon goes, this really bad. We’re talking really ouchy, here,” he said.

Surprisingly, the team also found a reference to an ancient Mayan prophesy of the “One” in the same Calendar reference. The prophesy predicts that an all-powerful, benevolent fundraising solution will emerge to bring peace and light to the world. Snidely said, they immediately thought of the fundraising solution made by @EASE because it is so powerful, intuitive and yet so easy to use.

“We’ve been using @EASE for years. When the Calendar talked about this One, we knew what it meant. It said it would emerge from somewhere north, and Alberta is far north of where the Mayans used to live. And the creation date of the @EASE system matches that of the birthday of the most famous Mayan fundraiser who lived 3,000 years ago. @EASE has got to be it,” he said.

Charity leaders and other fundraising solutions makers say they are alarmed by the new report. Tests by one large fundraising software maker where the dates of their systems were advanced to Nov. 27th led to a major explosion in their labs in New Jersey. Two people were injured. However, company executives say they are not sure whether the explosion was due to the Mayan Calendar since their complicated, expensive and difficult-to-use systems explode all the time.

“We’re telling every charity in the world to not turn on their fundraising systems on Nov. 27th. It’s too dangerous. Instead, we’re asking people to call the @EASE folks at The Batsch Group and get a demo ASAP. It’s free, and it might save  your life,” said Reilly O’Brewer, CEO of the League of Big Honking Charities.

Call The Batsch Group 1-877-489-9911
Or go to


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Government worried US adorable pre-teens becoming addicted to starting own giving foundations 

Addicted to fundraising?

The White House is working together with national sports associations and educators to take action on the growing problem of adorable seven-to-10 year olds who are addicted to starting their own giving foundations.

A new study released earlier this year that three out of every four adorable US pre-teens have launched their own fundraising campaign, started a major giving foundation or written a book about charity in the last two years.

“The days of your neighbourhood adorable seven year old running a lemonade stand are over,” said Health & Human Services Under-Assistant-Deputy-Secretary Dr. Dennis Snidely. “These kids are becoming addicted to powerful charitable activities. They’re giving up sports, education and even careers to become the CEO of their own major giving foundation. It’s terrible.”

Addiction centers across the US report that they have been overwhelmed with requests for support from parents whose children want to end Malaria in Gambia, increase eco-tourism in Nepal or cure some of the rarest forms of cancer.

Last week, Missy Smith, a super-adorable nine year old in Virginia was hospitalized after working day and night for weeks on getting her whole town to use social media to stop racial discrimination. Her parents, Joe and Zeta, say Missy tried fundraising at a party at a friend’s house and became completely addicted.

“She lost all interest in school, dancing, horseback riding and all of the other adorable things over-achieving kids do. She just wanted to write a book about stopping racial discrimination and start a mega-foundation to raise a billion dollars to do it,” said Joe Smith. “It was completely senseless.”

Health & Human Services announced the formation of a new task force headed by the First lady to study the issue and make recommendations. Snidely says the move is in response to calls for action by educators and national sports figures.

“This new, deadly form of addiction is hitting our adorable pre-teens hard. All across the country parents are struggling with kids who just want to raise millions and millions of dollars for charity,” he said. “It’s destroying countless thousands of lives.”

The wave of addictions to giving foundations has prompted police and the US charity sector to issue warnings to parents and teachers.

“If you’re adorable pre-teen comes home with an idea how to end poverty in Calcutta or wants to visit people who live in garbage pits in Brazil, see a doctor or your mental health provider immediately,” said US League of Big Honking Charities CEO Dibble Brewer. “It could be a sign that something sinister is going on.”

“Real fundraising is actually boring and is only partially successful,” said FBI spokesperson Turner Jones. “If you kid tells you it’s exciting and could change the world, they are probably high.”


Monday, October 14, 2013

Workplace discrimination against Annual Giving people still prevalent in US charities: Study 


A new study has found that workplace discrimination against Annual Giving fundraisers is still quite common at US charities.

Published in the Journal of Charity Hiring Practices & Scrapbooking, the new study by scientists as the University of Northern Southern Dakota found that more than thirty per cent of Annual Giving fundraisers say they face on-the-job  discrimination by their Major Gifts colleagues. Half of those who reported discrimination say they face daily harassment in the workplace.

“We found that Annual Gifts people still face blatant discrimination and prejudice from their Major Gift dominated charities,” said lead research Dr. Dibble Brewer. “We heard from many Annual Gifts people that they have to use different bathrooms, they can’t drink out of the same coffee mugs and they have separate Christmas parties.”

The study found that as many has a third of US charities have restrictions on Annual Gifts fundraisers, including lunch rooms, bathrooms, types of office furniture and stationery. In a small number of cases in the US South, Annual Gifts staff were forced to work in “Mailrooms” in separate buildings from the rest of their colleagues.

Joe, an Annual Gifts Manager in Minnesota, says he was forced to use a separate water fountain at one charity he worked for.

“The Major Gifts people wouldn’t let be use the same water fountain as them. They said it was because I would gum it up with all the letters I had to lick closed. But I knew what they meant. They just didn’t want any of us dirty Annual Gifts people anywhere near them,” he said.

Sally, a direct mail specialist in Florida, said she was shocked when she was told that Annual Gifts people had to drink out of separate coffee mugs and use an older, pre-espresso coffee machine.

“They told me that they didn’t like my kind and that all I was good for was asking people for gifts under $100. And for that, I couldn’t get a latte like the Major Gifts fundraisers who regularly bring in gifts of tens of thousands of dollars,” she said.

Such conditions against Annual Gifts fundraisers supposedly came to an end twenty years ago after Federal legislation banned workplace discrimination in US charities. But Dr. Brewer says it still lives on in US charities across the country under different names.

At one major US charity, where Annual Gifts staff were prohibited from dating Major Gifts, Gift Planning or Gift Processing staff, managers said the discriminatory practice was a health and safety practice.

Dr. Brewer says until Federal and state authorities intervene the discrimination will likely continue. Wilma, an Annual Gifts office from a charity in Denver, says she hopes the study will change minds and hearts.

“I just want to be like everyone else. Just because I get people to make a donation every year instead of a pledge once every five years doesn’t mean I’m not a real person,” she said.

Meantime, Major Gifts leaders are dismissing the study as “unscientific” and “provocative”. Dennis Snidely, the President of the League of US Major Gifts Executives, told a news conference in New York that the study overstates the actions of a few, isolated US charities.

“The majority  of American charities treat their Annual Giving people fairly and in accordance to the law,” he said. “Why, I myself have several of those Annual Giving people as my friends and they all say they don’t know anything about this discrimination stuff.”


Sunday, October 6, 2013

CFRE switches to “Black Belt” system of fundraising certification


The international organization in charge of certifying fundraisers has made the first move in a process that will one day see fundraising become a recognized martial art, like Karate, Taekwondo, Kung Fu and Worlds of Warcraft.

The CFRE Foundation of Earth And the Universe announced yesterday that it was ditching its 32-year-old exam-based certification system in favour of a martial arts program. The first step in what is expected to be a year-long process was to introduce a new system of black belts for fundraisers. Foundation CEO Sara Snidley, now known as Hanshi Grand Master 1st Black Belt Snidley, said the move came from the realization that fundraising was more of a test of individual combat skill and physical prowess then just an exam and a bunch of letters after someone’s name.

“The skill of fundraising is more like the skill of a master warrior. It involves great strength, but also poise and
Have you voted yet?
great cunning. We have more in common with the Karate masters of old Japan than the certification of accountants. That’s why we have changed the CFRE program into a martial art,” said Snidely.

The new belt system involves ten black belt categories and a host of other multi-coloured, lesser belts. Candidates for the CFRE will now have to enter a “Fundraising Dojo” at the age of 16 to begin their training. They will graduate only after they have mastered the mysteries of the Gift Pyramid when they reach the fifth level black belt at 22. Practicing fundraisers will be grandfathered into the system through testing and personal combat.

“In Dojos across the US we will begin testing existing fundraisers for the worthiness. They will have to demonstrate the ‘Kata’ or detailed choreographed patterns of movements corresponding to annual giving, major gifts or gift planning. Then they will have to battle the Sensei of the Dojo to see if they have learned their lessons well,” said Snidely.

As part of the plan the Foundation plans to submit an application to the International Olympic Committee to include Fundraising as a martial arts sport in the next summer games. It is also building a mountain fundraising monastery in Colorado where elite fundraising warrior monks will instruct advanced classes and research the mysticism and martial arts traditions of asking someone for a donation.

Snidely admits the changes will not be easy for all fundraisers, many of whom she says have become “soft and weak” with exam-based certification.

“The way of the warrior is the way forward. This will not be an easy transition. There will be much hard work and blood to become the ultimate fundraising black belt warrior,” she admitted.

“I myself have already broken two tax receipting manuals with just my bare hands. And that is only the beginning.”


Thursday, October 3, 2013

Charity replaces fundraisers with Grocery Self-Checkout machines 


New Fundraiser
Metro’s largest charity has replaced all of its human fundraisers with a fleet of self-checkout machines that you might find at your local supermarket.

The Metro Hospital Foundation announced yesterday that it would be laying off 12 of their human fundraisers and buy 10 self-checkout machines. Foundation CEO Dennis Snidely said the move, the first of its kind in the US, illustrates the changing needs of the Foundation and of fundraising.

“Our people weren’t bringing in enough money. I was going to fire them and then replace them with new fundraisers when it hit me one day while I was out buying some beer and a side of bacon – why not use the same technology that my grocery store uses?” he said.

Snidely contacted the manufacturer of the self-checkout machines and together they modified the machines to fill a major gifts role. The units were made mobile and given GPS navigation systems so they could be programed to visit major donors in their homes and workplaces. The customer interfaces were also improved, with more conversational overlays and ability to flash pictures of the Foundation’s new capital projects. The grocery bag holders were replaced with brochure holders and the giant revolving grocery scale was replaced with a gigantic image of the Foundation’s logo. Each new fundraising unit only cost $25,000.

“I did the math. With maintenance and the occasional need for a tow-truck when they break down these self-checkout machines cost about a third of what I pay for these so-called fundraisers I already have. There’s no health benefits. And, they also give cash back,” he said.

In testing the machines did better than expectations. One unit raised more than $25,000 during one day at a local nursing home for the mentally deranged and the other did more than $5,000 after sneaking into a grocery store by mistake. The units ran surveys for donors after every interaction and only one person expressed any dissatisfaction with them, and then only after the unit exploded because of an overheated battery.

Snidely says he’s not worried that the machines won’t be able express the warmth and personal touches a human could.

“I’ve worked with some of these humans I hired for years and I can tell you most of them don’t have any personality to speak of,” he said. “This is a shiny, friendly machine that people use all the time. And it takes debit, credit and cash. What’s not human about that?”

The Foundation next plans to press ahead with plans to replace the entire gift processing department with cash registers that can talk and make coffee.