Sunday, August 11, 2013

Fortune-Telling Magazine releases Top 100 Best US Charities Rating List

Charity's futures rated by the science of fortune-telling

US Fortune Telling & Cat Whispering Magazine has released its third annual Charity Top 100 list – the most comprehensive and thorough review of the nation’s best charities.

The Top 100 list rated more than 10,000 US charities on a range of topics from finances and administrative overhead to CEO compensation and Alectromancy (observation of a rooster pecking at grain). Magazine Editor Predicto Snidely says their annual list is the most authoritative of its kind published in the US.

“There are many who say they rate US charities, but our rating system is the one for donors to use. It’s detailed, fair, comprehensive and is the only one that actually looks into the future to see how the charity is doing,” said Snidely. “Beat that Charity Navigator and GuideStar!”

The magazine began its charity evaluation program after a séance at its annual Psychic Fair and Cat Trade Show is Las Vegas. Snidely says the spirits of former donors begged them to create a guide to smart giving that would let people know where to put their donations.

“The spirits asked us to come up with an intelligent, insightful and powerful method of looking at a charity’s financial health, accountability, transparency and reporting,” explained Snidely. “They also wanted our readers to buy more cat toys for the spirits of dead pets.”

The rating system uses sophisticated methods of evaluation including reviews of program expenses, predictions of fundraising efficiency, analysis of administrative costs as well as palmistry, rhunecasting, astronomy and clairvoyance. The magazine uses only top professional fortune-tellers who have wide ranging experience in state fairs and in judging competitions.

“Things are not always what they appear from the numbers,” said Snidely. “Sometimes, the books can look good, but the karma can be all bad. Through fortune-telling we can cut through all the spin and get right to the heart of the matter.”

Last year, the Top 100 List accurately predicted the need for more aid for refuges in Syria, which in turn led to higher ratings for international relief agencies.

“Madame Shelia, one of our top columnists, had a premonition that there would be a war somewhere on Earth sometime soon using pyromancy – the science of staring into a fire to tell the future. And what happened? There was a war. It shows us that our Top 100 List is amazingly accurate.”

“Downturn in the economy? We got that one. The introduction of crowdsourcing. Got that, too!”

Charity groups have argued that the methods the magazine uses are arbitrary and often over-simplify the challenges charities face. Snidely says the criticisms of the  Top 100 List are groundless.

“We have a voodoo thing we regularly do with a live chicken, so we see all the excuses these charities have been making. No one believes them. They had better take a hard look at the entrails of life and get with the program or no one is going to give them anything,” he said.