Thursday, June 13, 2013

Conspiracy Theory Foundation suspicious as to why capital campaign is going so slow

One of Metro’s largest charities says it is suspicious about why their latest fundraising campaign is slow.

The Conspiracy Active Theory  Foundation, called the CAT, launched their $50 million “Tell The Truth” capital campaign last year. The campaign will see the construction of a new building in downtown Metro that will house the nation’s largest Conspiracy Active Theory Museum (known as the CAT Museum) and offices for the new Foundation, which was created three years ago. But so far, the campaign has failed to raise even half of what Foundation leaders were hoping for so far.

“It makes you wonder,” said Foundation Executive Director Wendy Snidely. “I mean, we have a great campaign plan and a great new museum we’re building. You think we’d be on target by now. There must be something else holding us back. Something sinister.”

Snidely says they should have raised $20 million by now, but the campaign total is only at $1.5 million. She blames an “unseen” force at work.

“We’ve had times when we made calls about the CAT Foundation and the new CAT Museum, and we’d get in front of some major private and corporate donors. We’d be asking for millions. But then when we told them about secret government organizations, aliens at Area 51, a cabal of movie stars and evil pharmaceutical companies that are trying to make us all into zombies they’d just stop listening and end the meeting,” said Snidely. “It was suspicious.”

As well, the Foundation’s new fundraising database mysteriously broke down and became unworkable many times despite having their consultants say it was operating perfectly. Several times, people called the Foundation offices looking for pet supplies. And two or three came to the Foundation offices asking “about neutering”. Plus, Snidely’s new stapler keeps jamming and the office printer strangely breaks on a regular basis. She says it all fits a pattern.

“We can’t tell who is trying to sabotage this campaign, but we know someone out there doesn’t want us to succeed. Whoever they are, they’re afraid of the truth. But the world will find out! Even if we have to use paper clips, nothing will stop us!”

The Foundation thinks the campaign could be under attack by a group of secret fundraisers who use donations to fund experiments in mind control. Or it could be a secret branch of the CIA that operates on American soil illegally. Some think that maybe it could be smart, evil pets who can talk and do bad stuff like in a recent children’s movie. And one Foundation board member thinks it is an elaborate cover up that has something to do with fake landings on the Moon back in the 1960s.

The Foundation has already doubled security and pulled the plug on its computer network just in case it’s being monitored. It has also fired two fundraisers who “just look suspicious” and started collecting weapons and ammunition for the coming apocalypse.

“We’re ready for this fight that’s coming. And when everyone else has been blown up, melted, made ill, turned into zombies or eaten, we and this museum will still be here as a beacon of hope and truth,” said Snidely.

“But in the meantime, please make a donation. Cash only through the slot in our front door. Thank you.”