Sunday, April 21, 2013

Two local cancer charities to have “rumble” to decide who rules West Side


The Jets
The Sharks

Two of Metro’s largest gangs are planning to have a rumble to decided once and for all who rules the cancer charity sector on the West Side.

The Jets, a gang who runs a prostate cancer charity, and the Sharks, who operate a breast cancer charity, both have offices on Metro’s West Side. Tension between the two cancer charities have been mounting for months. Police managed to break up a major riot just last week when the Sharks caught Jets fundraiser “Baby John” on their turf asking business sponsorships for their annual ball.

“These two charities have been nibbling at each other’s heals for a long time now. I seem them cancer gangs come and go, but these Jets and Sharks are different. If I don’t find out where the rumble is, there’s gonna be trouble,” said local police spokesperson Lieutenant Schrank.

Things went from bad to worse at the Jets ball, where Maria Nuñez, the sister of Sharks’ leader Bernardo, was seen dancing with Tony Wyzek, an ex-member of the Jets. Later, police broke up what looked like a war council meeting of the leaders of both gangs at Doc’s shop.

“They told me that they were meeting there to exchange information on planned giving techniques, but I’se knew what was going on. They were planning their rumble. Those wise guys,” said Lieutenant Schrank. “If they have that rumble, there’s gonna be trouble.”

Jets leader Riff Lorton says he doesn’t know anything about a planned rumble, but says the Sharks need “some learning” about who rules the West Side.

“I don’t know nothing about no rumble. All I know is that those Sharks need to be keeping their place in their own donation territory, see?,” he said. “They gotta stop coming into our neighborhood with their annual giving direct mail letters and their major gift officers roaming the streets looking for trouble. You know what I mean?”

For their part, the Sharks say their cancer charity is the one and only place for donations on the West Side.

“We all know who’s the most important cancer charity. It’s the breasts, man. Not the prostates. You can’t even see a prostrate! It’s like not even there!” said  Sharks leader Bernardo Nuñez, and brother to Maria. “Yah, and if that no good prostrate-loving Jet Tony ever touches my sister again, I kill him. You hear. Kill him!”

Some people are hoping a rumble can be avoided. Maria has asked Tony to try and stop the rumble, even if it is only a fist-fight. The two-star-crossed and hopeless lovers used clothes in a bridal shop to fantasize about their wedding, exchanged vows and then kissed.

“Why can’t all us cancer charities get along. We are all fundraisers. Why does there have to be blood between them? Why?” said Maria.

“Damn cancer charities. There’s gonna be trouble,” concluded Lieutenant Schrank.