Sunday, April 28, 2013

Cash-strapped charity hands out new titles instead of pay raises

Metro’s largest charity is giving its employees a special bonus this year – new titles. The Community Trust of Metro says it couldn’t afford to give the over-worked, under-paid staff a salary increase this year. Instead, Executive Director Wendell Snidely says they are offering their 30 staff members new, fancy titles and business cards to go along with them.

“We don’t have the money to increase anyone’s salary this year, except me and the finance director,” said Snidely. “So we came up with the idea of giving people new job titles that would make them feel better about their work in a shallow, meaningless sort of way.”

The new policy, called “Name Compensation”, will see all staff members receive new, exciting job titles. The communications officer will now be Vice-President of Medias, the events coordinator will become the Director of Field Fundraising and the junior major gifts officer will become Deputy Director of Constituent Development and Parties.

Executive assistant and receptionist Dibble Brewer says she was thrilled to be name Vice-President of Assistance and Reception.

“All I get is a lousy business card? That’s it. What about the increase I was promised? Geez,” she said in support of the program.

Finance clerk Betty-Sue Bob said she was surprised and humbled when she was named Director of Finance.

“My boss, the Manager of Finance, told me that I was being named Director of Finance. And I like said oh wow. Then she said she had been named Princess of Finance and that she outranked me. I’m glad I didn’t say anything at first, because I was going to tell her to get her own damn coffee,” said Bob. “Do I really have to call her ‘Your Royal Highness’?”.

The plan had a few strange twists when superstar fundraiser Jean Whitetooth insisted on a title of her own choosing.

“I was ready to offer Jean Vice-President of All Development Everywhere. I thought that was befitting of her status and position, and her ego. But she said no and we had to go with what she wanted, which was Prima Ballerina. I don’t know what that has to do with fundraising but I’m just happy she’s happy,” said Snidely. “We had to order pink coffee mugs with her new title, though.”

Initially reluctant, the Board of Directors agreed to the new policy when Snidely suggested that each of them could be “Chairperson of the Board.”

Snidely herself has also had to change her job title to match the rest of the Trust. She will now be known simply as “The One”, based on the Neo character from “The Matrix” film series.

In a separate move, the Trust will now refer to donors as “Love muffins”.