Sunday, March 3, 2013

Darth Vader named head of this year’s Imperial United Way Campaign

Lord Darth Vader will be the next chair of the universe-wide Imperial United Way campaign. Officials made the announcement at their annual Kick-off breakfast on the unfinished Death Star orbiting the forest moon of Endor.

“We’re so pleased to have such a well-respected and authoritative campaign chair like Lord Vader be on our team this year. I know we will be able to make this year’s goal with his gloved hand on the controls,” said United Way CEO Grand Vizier Dibble Brewer.

This year, the annual campaign hopes to reach $1 billion credits – about 10% higher than last year’s campaign. Brewer says despite the challenges of the previous campaign he thinks the campaign will succeed.

“Last year was not a great campaign. We came up short on our campaign total, and, worse campaign chair Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin and many of our key supporters were blown up on the original Death Star near Yavin IV when they were attacked by non-philanthropist rebel forces at the campaign’s touch-down luncheon,” said Brewer.

Brewer hopes that having such a widely-known campaign chair, like Vader, will make the difference. Even though it will be Lord Vader’s first time heading up an United Way campaign, Brewer is confident that the dark Jedi will be able to make an impression.

“When the Emperor commanded Lord Vader to head the campaign, I think he was a little reluctant. He’s so used to chasing down rebel scum and destroying traitor’s home planets. This idea about raising money was new to him. But it took no time at all for him to catch on,” said Brewer.

Vader has already made major changes to the campaign’s direct mail system, replacing the two-page letter and free pens with a simple message “Give” and his picture. The change proved most effective, doubling return rates almost overnight.

Vader also helped with efforts to raise donations through payroll deductions among the Imperial forces. Previous years saw participation rate of only 20% among Stormtrooper Legions. But under Vader, that rate has grown to nearly 99%.

“We’ve also felt his steady hand at board meetings. Before, we used to debate the littlest things for hours – we couldn’t make a decision about anything. Then Lord Vader clicked his fingers and two of the most obstinate members of the board started choking. One even started levitating before he was Force-thrown into the next room.”

“Meetings have been so much faster and better since then,” said Brewer.

The Emperor has asked campaign officials and major donors to meet on the new Death Star next month near Endor for a “special event.” Emperor Palpatine himself will be in attendance. Brewer says up to 250 top people from the United Way will be there for a gala dinner, hosted by Lord Vader and a “surprise guest speaker”.

“We will see the destruction of the Rebel Alliance and a glorious end to the campaign all in one event. It should be something to remember.”