Sunday, February 10, 2013

Evil charity clones top donors of rival good charities

The leader of Metro’s biggest evil charity has announced a dastardly plan to clone the city’s top ten philanthropists in order to raise more donations and beat out their rivals.

Scientists for the Evil Community Foundation have successfully cloned the largest donors from three of its competitors, as well as one of their receptionists. Foundation CEO Hector Von Snidely says they plan to replace the real donors with their specially altered clones who will then cancel their pledges with other charities and give all their money to the Evil Community Foundation.

“In one fell swoop, we will go from being the poorest charity in Metro to being the richest! Ha ha ha! And it is too late to stop us!,” screamed Snidely as he addressed the clones and his minions before releasing them into the world.

The Evil Community Foundation has been struggling with their fundraising efforts for years. The Foundation raises money for evil community works and to help train a new generation of young evil leaders. The other large charities in town consistently managed to out-fundraise them time and time again. Worse, no matter what they tried, they could not attract major donors, such noted philanthropists as Sid and Ethel Moneybags or Gerty Littleoldrichlady. That changed when the Foundation hired Von Snidely, a mad scientist and fundraiser.

“They had tried everything – hiring consultants, bringing in more major gift officers, planned giving, cause marketing, social media and even a voodoo ritual with a chicken. Nothing worked. I told them that to be successful in fundraising you have to be evil. And what could be more evil than cloning your rival’s mega-donors?” said Von Snidely.

In a secret layer in the old abandoned chemical works on the east side of town, Von Snidely and a team of ex-Soviet army scientists worked round the clock for months to prefect the clones. They first started cloning sheep in order to perfect their technique and because they enjoyed fresh lamb. The team obtained DNA samples by hacking into their rival’s fundraising databases which contained genetic material as well as giving histories. Once the clones emerged from their test tube they were subjected to intense brainwashing and training.

“We had to overcome their innate desire to help others. One of the clones kept on wanting to give part of his rations to other who looked hungry. We had to start again several times with that one.”

The clones were then dressed to match their real selves and sent to visit rival charities. They waited until the real donors were out of town or on the golf course to strike.

“Sid and Ethel Moneybags just came in here and canceled their 10 year pledge, broke all my pencils and then left with dribble coming out of their mouths,” reported Dibble Brewer, CEO of the Foundation for Metro. “That didn’t faze me because mega-donors do those kinds of things. But then Martha Escrow and Julius Bank did exactly the same thing. It was strange.”

Denzel Goody, Executive Director of the Foundation for Good Metro said he tried to reason with his mega-donors when they to cancel their pledges. “They handed me a note saying they were cancelling everything, but when I tried to reason with them they just got down on all fours and starting baaaaing like sheep.”

Von Snidely says once the clones have secured the pledges for his Foundation he plans to throw a huge fundraising gala and invite the clones to come and planned gifts.