Thursday, January 31, 2013

Everyone at local charity hates cheery, positive Mike

Everyone hates Mike for being so Positive


The workers at the Metro’s largest charity all say that they hate Mike – their loveable, warm and friendly co-worker who always has a smile on his face and something nice to say.

The Metro Foundation is a $50 million, 75-person organization that was founded nearly a century ago. It helps raise money for key community services ranging from homelessness to literacy. Despite its many accomplishments and successes, most of the Foundation’s staff only want to bitch and complain about Mike, who is a fundraiser who works in the charity’s gift planning department.

“We’re justifiably proud of our record. Our last campaign was an amazing success,” said Foundation CEO Spooley Snidely. “Now, if we could only get Mike to stop being so God-damned cheery all the time. It’s driving me wild.”

Co-workers say Mike is annoyingly positive and good-natured. He is always smiling, telling jokes and even singing Broadway show tunes during his lunch hours in the staff lunch room. He’s been known to ask other people about their families, bring in home-made chicken soup for colleagues with colds and to offer to go out for Starbucks coffee and “bring people back whatever they want.”

“Mike is scary,” says co-worker Alicia Janet. “Like, he only knows how to be happy all the time…ALL the time. It’s annoying. It’s unnatural. He must be a homicidal maniac or something. It just can’t be real.”

“Once I had a cough, and he went out at lunch and got me a hot cup of my favourite tea, some cough drops and a muffler,” said receptionist Tracey Stacey. “It was so weird. Like what was he doing? What did he want? He’s not my mother!”

“Last week, we lost the big $1 million solicitation to Sid and Shirley Moneybags because they didn’t like our pushy CEO’s approach,” said Foundation fundraising manager Dibble Brewer. “We all sat around cursing and swearing and gnashing our teeth, and then Mike starts saying this crap about how we’ll do better next time and that we should all feel real good about the effort we made. I nearly killed him. That kind of positive stuff was totally inappropriate.”

Snidely says Mike has been a constant negative influence on his co-workers. When she brought down the fifth organizational change this year Mike was one of the first to express acceptance.

“I knew this was going to go down in flames when the first person to say anything about the change was Mike. He said he was really excited to be making these changes and looked forward to working with everyone to implement it,” recalled Snidely. “No one else said anything. Not a word. I could tell they all hated it. Mike ruined everything. His attitude is just completely negative.”

And last year, when Snidely, gave a him a poor performance review because he hadn’t raised his quota, Mike thanked her and promised to re-double his efforts.

“He told everyone about it. He said he was sorry he let the team down and that he was optimistic that he would do better. He made sound like a horrible witch for what I said in the performance review. That was inexcusable,” said Snidely.

While staff say they hate Mike donors love him. He’s won the donor choice award for fundraiser of the year for five years running. Many donors call just to talk to Mike, send him flowers or even invite him out to lunch.

“They like him. They really like him. As a person,” said Brewer. “That’s kind of creepy, really.”