Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Charity managers have meeting to plan next meeting

Managers at the Tri-State Hospital Foundation will be having a meeting later this afternoon to discuss plans for the meeting they are having next week.

Foundation CEO Joan Snidely called for the meeting after the end of the last management meeting yesterday in which not much of anything was accomplished. After a lengthy discussions, the one hour meeting ended with no progress on any of the ten agenda items.

“I can’t understand how we have so many meetings all the time and yet nothing seems to get done. We talk and talk and yet we walk away with the same problems. It’s very strange,” said Snidely. “That’s why I decided that what we needed to do was to have a planning meeting before our regular manager’s meeting next week. That way, I’m sure we’ll be able to achieve our goals.”

Each meeting is constructed the same way. Agenda items are solicited from managers the day before, by Snidely’s assistant, Lucy. They are then triaged by Snidely and added to the agenda, which is distributed the morning before the meeting. A typical manager’s meeting starts with each manager sharing new information. Snidely, who chairs the meeting, is supposed to steer the rest of the discussion towards addressing each remaining agenda item. However, something usually goes terribly wrong with the agenda immediately after the meeting is called to order.

“Last meeting, I talked and talked and talked. And so did everybody else. I can’t remember what anyone said, but we all seemed to come to the same consensus that something was wrong with our meetings and we needed to do something about it,” said Snidely. “That, and the fact that the Hospital’s Director of Communications is a fruitcake. And that the CEO is going to be fired soon. And that there’s a sale on 12-pack toilet paper at Costco this week.”

“And we heard from Cathy about her trouble with her husband, Dan, who is having virility challenges. We also got on the topic of teenage children and their cell phone use, which I have a real problem with. I told them all about my daughter Clancy and her abuse of her cell phone and how she wanted a new iPhone, but that I said no because she wasn’t showing responsibility.”

“Lunch was just around the corner, so Mary shared with us her visit to the new bistro down the street over by the florists, which is run by the most charming Asian couple who really should be on our major gifts list, but aren’t because of the sloppy work of our database entry clerk Geraldine for which we should really get rid of her.”

“And after all that talking, we didn’t seem to get anything done. I can’t understand it,” said Snidely.

The new planning process will see agenda items solicited from manager’s the day before by Snidely’s assistant, Lucy. Then Snidely will triage them and add the top items to the agenda, which will be distributed before the meeting. The planning meeting will start with each manager sharing their ideas on how to make manager’s meetings more productive. Snidely, who chairs the meeting, will then steer the rest of the discussion towards addressing each remaining agenda item.

“I’m really confident that this time we have this thing all worked out. After this meeting, all future manager’s meetings will run as smooth as silk,” said Snidely.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Rules for UN charity’s Donor Wall plunge country into civil war

A bloody civil war has broken out in the tiny Eastern European country of  Slobodia over a decision by a UN charity to not list the Solbodian President on its donor wall.

The UN World Charity Trust (UNWCHT) announcement in Geneva yesterday that it would not recognize Slobodian President Vladich Snidelyov on its new donor wall touched off widespread fighting in the Slobodian capital, Drivethruvaka, yesterday. The fighting capped weeks of tension and threats of violence between forces who say the UN should recognize cumulative lifetime giving and those who say only donors to the current capital campaign should be on the UN donor wall.

The lifetime giving faction, headed by Snidelyov and the ruling political party, had threatened to take military action if cumulative donors were excluded from the UN donor wall. Current donor forces, headed by factions in the military and the country’s powerful CFRE lobby, have been calling on Snidelyov to resign and for the country to back the UN decision.

Shortly after the UN decision was announced in Geneva, lifetime giving forces attacked army bases in the capital and seized weapons. Current donor forces responded by using air force planes to bomb the capital building and Snidelyov’s fundraising data centre complex outside Drivethruvaka. Fighting continued through the night and into the morning.

Shortly before midnight local time President Snidelyov went on national TV to address the nation. He called for new elections and military action against the UN and current donor forces.

“People of Slododia. Yesterday, the UN World Charity Trust insulted our nation and our way of life. They refused to recognize the lifetime history of our donations to their charity by not putting us on their donor wall. This slight will not go unanswered. I call upon all Slobodians to rise up with me and take action against this outrage,” he said.

Rebel forces answered with an address from a captured radio station near the capital. Current donor forces leader General Dibblov Brewerski called on Snidelyov to resign and for the people to remain in their homes.

“President Snidelyov has taken us to the edge of the abyss. His refusal to understand the need for the UN to focus on their current capital campaign and the space limitations of the donor wall in their headquarters in Switzerland is a dangerous and reckless course. We call on him to resign and for his forces to lay down their arms and surrender,” he said.

Hoping to quell the violence, the UNWCHT again repeated the reasons for their decision. Chief Development Officer Spooley Blanc told a news conference in Geneva that the decision  to exclude lifetime donors from the donor wall was based on common sense.

“We only have room for 300 names. If we recognized both lifetime donors and the donors to the current capital campaign we would have had 1,200 eligible names for the donor wall. We had to exclude someone. So, we decided to focus on the current campaign,” she said.

“I hope that clarifies things and that it won’t lead to further worldwide violence and stuff We just have time for lunch.”

The decision has already plunged the world into a diplomatic crisis. Russia, China and several African nations have demanded that the UN decision be reversed and that the donor wall be expanded. Reports say Russia has begun secret shipments of arms and fundraising equipment to President Snidelyov. The European Union has sided with the UN and Slobodian rebels. NATO officials are expected to meet next week to discuss a “No Fundraising Zone” around Slobodia.

In the US, the issue of the UN decision has split the country along partisan lines. US President Obama has called for both sides in the Slobodian civil war to start negotiations. However, secretly, administration officials say they back the UN move. A White House source told CNN “No one gives lifetime donors space on their donor wall anymore – only in goofy countries like Slobodia do they do that.”

Republican leaders meanwhile said that donor wall decisions should recognize individual rights. “All people everywhere have the right to buy booze, guns and have their donations recognized on a wall somewhere – even cats and dogs,” said US Fundraising Committee Senator Boyd Floyd.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Charity’s coffee machine files harassment complaint against staff

A coffee machine has filed a harassment complaint against Metro’s largest charity. The machine says it has suffered years of abuse from the staff of the Snidely Hospital Foundation.

“They call this a charity. There’s no charity involved when it comes to how they treat me. No one would stand for this,” complained the 10 year old stainless steel and plastic SuperCup Model 182, which calls itself “Bob”.

Bob accuses the Foundation of years of mistreatment.  It says that it is subjected to constant verbal abuse and ridicule. In its complaint, Bob reported that staff often referred to its coffee as “crap” and “really terrible” and often called on Foundation CEO Spooley Brewster to “replace it” or even “throw it out.”

“Some of the things they said about me were just terrible. Day after day, they complained about my work. It got so bad, that I had to seek psychiatric help from the office fridge,” said Bob.

In the complaint, the machine also alleges that Foundation staff often subjected it to humiliation with their office pranks. It says they would sometimes force it to wear a baby bonnet and a diaper when anyone had a baby shower in the lunch room. It was also forced to participate in Christmas parties at the home of the Foundation’s finance director where staff poured various kinds of liquor into it in order to endure the event. Bob, who abstains from alcohol because of its religion, says it tried to object, but could not reason with drunken staff members.

Things got worse when the Foundation introduced new cost cutting measures to keep administrative overhead low. Staff who made too much money were terminated and replaced with employees who made less. Bob says it was forced to endure being a part of a three hour key meeting of managers where they openly discussed whether to replace it with an espresso maker.

“After they decided who to fire, Janet said they should replace me with a new Italian-made espresso machine with all the money they’d saved. They talked about it for 45 minutes right in front of me as if I wasn’t even there!” said Bob. “I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to, but they wouldn’t listen.”

Bob says the last straw was when the CEO spilled her coffee all over the machine and no one would clean it up.

“She dropped her mug all over my workplace and no one – no one at all – would lift a finger to do anything about it. They just sat there as the sticky coffee started to dry on me and they acted like nothing happened.”

Bob consulted a lawyer and then used the hospital’s workplace grievance procedure to file a complaint. The procedure has a code of conduct that commits staff to act “with honest and integrity towards all people, machine-like beings and cats and dogs, but not sharks, wolves and other dangerous creatures.”

The complaint goes to an informal hearing next week, and Bob is optimistic about the outcome.

“For the first time since I joined this organization I finally feel someone is listening to me. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, if I had any,” said Bob.

The complaint has already made waves at the Foundation. The fundraising database is also considering making a complaint as is the CEO’s keyboard and stapler who say they have suffered “physical abuse”.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Charity’s shelves 100 year pledge program because of cash flow problems

Metro’s largest charity says it will have to rethink its bold strategy to allow donors to make pledges of up to 100 years. The Big Honking Foundation of Metro says they are halting the program until they can figure out their cash flow problems.

The Foundation announced its new 100 year pledge program last year in response to the financial downturn in the US economy. Under the program, donors can spread their donation payments over a century and still enjoy tax savings in the same financial year they made their pledge. Wildly successful, the program boosted donations more than 10,000%. But strangely, income levels dropped. Last week, The Foundation announced that it would be suspending operations because of a financial crisis. The doors to the office were shut and staff were laid off.

“We just don’t know what happened. We were able to secure a massive amount of new donations. We literally have every person in Metro as one of our donors, and also several of their dogs and cats and future offspring. Our support has gone through the roof. We can’t explain it,” said Foundation CEO Spooley Snidely.

The mysterious financial problems arose a few months ago during a time of transition. The Foundation abandoned its annual gifts, major gifts and planned giving programs in favour of its successful pledge initiative. Shortly after the changes were made, cash flow started to dry up. While more and more 100 year pledges came in, strangely fewer dollars were being put in the bank.

At first, Snidely says, they thought it was an accounting problem. The Foundation has just installed a new fundraising database and financial computer system that required two brain scientists, three consultants and a faith healer to operate.

“We thought it was just an error because of all the problems we were having with the new database,” said Snidely. “But then we realized it was something much deeper.”

Snidely and the Foundation’s board decided to fire their director of finance when she couldn’t explain what was happening. Then they fired most of the gift processing staff, who strangely had been slacking off and not working as hard as they used to.

“Our finance leader obviously was asleep at the switch. Her department was a mess. They were just sitting around all day with nothing to do. She had to go. And then we decided that we’d replace them all,” said Snidely.

When the problem continued Snidely and her new finance director called in police, suspecting criminal mismanagement. The two week investigation by the FBI Forensic Accounting Squad found nothing wrong, except for the dry cleaning and hairdos Snidely consistently charged to the Foundation. Even after that was repaid, the problem continued.

The Foundation then brought in a charity consultant from New York City who was paid $900 an hour and had perfect hair. The consultant made a number of recommendations, including investing more resources into the successful pledge program. Again, pledges tripled, but cash flow  became worse until the Foundation was unable to pay for any of Snidely’s expensive lunches with her donor buddies. The Foundation toyed with extending pledges to the year 3000, but by that time it had run out of money.

“We finally realize what the problem, but too late. We suspect it was a perfect storm of a number of things. First, there was financial mismanagement on our part. Second, there was the downturn in the economy. And third, and perhaps most telling, we suspect a significant portion of our donors weren’t renewing their pledges,” she said.

“I feel terrible,” said Snidely. “We’ve done everything we possibly can to save this organization, but sadly, its toast. There’s nothing left to do put steal as much office supplies we can, shut the doors, run off to another job and leave the board of directors on the hook,” said Snidely, who plans to use the same innovative technique in her next job.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Big Bad Wolf charity charged with fraud

One of Metro’s new and upcoming charities has been closed amidst charges of fraud. The Big Bad Wolf Trust shut its doors last week after tax authorities and police began an investigation into its activities.

The Trust was launched with big fanfare at a barbeque two years ago and since then has become one of the most innovative, progressive and successful charities in the city. The Trust won the Best Charity Award from the League of Big Honking Charities last month. Its CEO, Spooley Wolf, was honoured at the Mayor’s Charity Awards with a community service medal earlier this year.

But the accolades changed to shock and disbelief last week when the IRS and the FBI launched a joint investigation into the Big Bad Wolf Trust on charges of fraud, money-laundering, racketeering, eating their donors and criminal bad breath. In a joint announcement, authorities said they were launching their investigation based on eyewitness accounts that senior leaders of the Trust have been pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes.

“According to our information, leaders of the Trust have not in fact been raising money for building natural habitats for wolves who live in Metro but have been instead buying bacon and building a secret pork farm-factory on the outskirts of town,” said US Attorney Dibble Brewer. “Further, we allege that the Trust’s leaders have been looting their endowment fund to buy into pork futures on the commodity exchange.”

“Even more shocking, we believe that the Trust CEO, Mrs. Spooley Wolf, tried to cover up the scam by eating most of the evidence and a few of the donors who made the original complaints to police,” said Brewer.

The FBI says they were alerted to the scam when one donor, rich industrialist J.R. Swine and his two brothers, filed a complaint alleging the Trust was committing fraud. In the complaint, Swine, a one-time member of the Trust’s board of directors, said that he suspected the organization was not spending money on environmental programs to help wolves, but on bulk purchases of meat, live animals and a fundraising database no one knew how to use. A week after the complaint was file, local police were called to Swine’s family compound where he and his two brothers each maintain their own homes. All three had been destroyed and none of the three brothers could be found except for one of their tails, which had been grilled and served with barbeque sauce.

“We now suspect that Spooley Wolf, CEO, Wendy Wolf, Director of Finance and Elizabeth Wolf, the head of communications, were behind the attack on the Swine family compound,” said FBI Special Agent John Snidely. “We found traces of wolf fur on two of the houses. And we traced back a purchase of explosives and fertilizer along with blasting caps to the Trust.”

“We think they blew down the houses and then…ate the Swines,” he said.

The investigation and subsequent closing of the charity came as a shock to both staff and donors.

“I can’t believe this is happening. I never knew that all this pork stuff was going on, and I was the chair of the finance committee. They tricked us all,” said Turner Moneybags, a local lawyer and major donor to the Trust. “I thought all the barbecues and the annual bacon festival we delivered was just good marketing. Honest.”

“They seemed to be so nice, Spooley , Wendy and Elizabeth. They were always very charming and often would salivate with happiness when I showed them pictures of my baby,” recalled CEO executive assistant June Lipshyts. “Yes, they had atrocious eating habits, but I never suspected that they ate anyone I knew.”

Former board member and community activist Peter Smith says the charges vindicate the allegations he made more than a year ago.

“I told them. I told the board. I told the IRS. I wrote letters. I sent emails. I said these women were up to now good. And did anyone believe me? No! They just said I was the boy who cried wolf. They laughed at me. And now look at what has happened! Geez.” he said.

The Trust’s remaining board members and staff says they plan to re-open the charity in a few months and spend their time and resources trying to counsel wolves to become vegetarians.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Police rescue 57 staff from non-profit “branding cult”

Police rescued dozens of charity workers from a cult organization operating from within Metro’s largest charity. The workers were removed after a branding exercise at the Metro Trust Foundation went horribly wrong. At least one person is dead.

“We were called to the Foundation’s office by the family of one of the workers who told us that since they created their new brand the workers haven’t returned home, were unresponsive and kept repeating taglines over and over,” said Police Chief Dibble Brewer. “When we got there we found dozens of unwashed people sitting and praying in a large circle to their new God – the brand created by a local ad agency. It was creepy.”

Since the brand was unveiled last week, the Foundation has shut its doors and stopped answering phone calls and emails. Visitors to the office were told that the charity’s new brand had demanded that they worship it continually around the clock. Then charity staff shut and locked the front door and began singing dirges and praising the new brand. Witnesses say they saw staff members burning the brand’s new full colour logo into their foreheads with a hot iron.

The Foundation hired the biggest and most expensive ad agency possible to create their new brand, ignoring more cost-effective and specialized consultants available. In their branding proposal, which was later seized by police, the agency, Big Invoice, said that the brand they would create would be so powerful that it would “transform the work of the Foundation and motivate its staff to new levels of mission and vision.” Police say Foundation leaders should have known they were playing with fire.

“When these cult organizations come around and promise a new, powerful brand these charities don’t know what they’re getting into,” said Chief Brewer. “I’ve seen it before. A brand like that can have a profound impact on their mental state. It can take them over and turn them into brand slaves.”

Cult deprogrammer and planned giving expert Dr. Roberta Roberts says brands impact the so-called “permission centres” of the brain, turning normal ordinary people into slobbering cult members who only respond to what the brand tells them.

“Brands are not just logos, they are a gateway to the control of the mind. Just one look at them, or even perhaps seeing one corner of a logo or hearing part of the tagline will change people into zombies,” said Dr. Roberts. “They simply enslave people. Thank goodness most brands are for good, instead of evil.”

Police says they have arrested two ad agency executives on a charge of negligent brainwashing. They says the two people, one an executive and one a designer, should have known that their powerful brand would consume the very souls of the Foundation staff.

Meantime, hospital officials report that they were treating at least a dozen of the survivors of the cult for dehydration, fatigue and general smelliness. One man is in critical condition after being forced to gnaw off his own toe to “prove his loyalty” to the new brand.

The dead staff member, identified as the finance director of the Foundation, was reportedly killed by the other cult members when she failed to show the brand deity respect.

“The survivors tell us that when this woman asked how much the brand would cost the others turned on her, and then ate her.”

In a related story, the Foundation won “best new brand” from the National Branding Cult Awards.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Zoo turns to animals to help with capital campaign

Please Give!

The Snidely Metro Zoo is turning to its animals to help with fundraising for their new $10 million expansion.

The Zoo, one of the nation’s largest, was having trouble with its new “Animal House” capital campaign. After a year of fundraising, only $500,000 had been raised by the zoo’s human fundraising staff. That’s when Executive Director Dibble Brewer got the idea to use the Zoo’s animals to help fundraise.

“I was wondering who we could get to really take a bite out of our capital campaign as I was looking out the window of my office at the lion’s enclosure. The lions were having their usual breakfast of frozen meet on a stick. Then it hit me. Why not use the penguins?” She said.

After consulting with the Zoo’s chief zoologist, Brewer evaluated each one of the Zoo’s 300 animals to see which would make the best fundraiser. The meerkats and lemming were rejected because they could only work in groups of three or four. Likewise, the giraffes and the hippos were turned down because they were too big. Those who made the first cut were the lions, cheetahs, polar bears, penguins, anteaters, tapir, wild asses and a Komodo Dragon named “Sid”.

“I picked the ones that had the same qualities as our successful human fundraisers. They needed to be warm and inviting. They needed to listen to what donors really wanted. They needed to help motivate people to see the wisdom of giving to the zoo. And they needed the ability to understand the difference between friendly donor behaviour and actions that threatened the animal’s place in their pack’s hierarchy when their territory was violated. Those kinds of things,” said Brewer.

Brewer used her existing fundraising staff to help put on training seminars for the animals to help them adjust to their new role. In three all day sessions, the animals learned about the Zoo’s mission and vision, the campaign’s case for support, the “do’s and don’ts” of asking for a major gift and a crash course in the Zoo’s fundraising database. They based their training program on one designed for the Zoo’s board of directors.

“It was amazing how similar the two groups were. Both would both sit there, sleeping through most of the sessions, make a lot of grunting noise through the presentations and then come back to life during snack time,” said Brewer. “We also found that just like board members, lions can really be cranky and bite people’s heads off for no apparent reason. Funny that.”

Because the animals were “visual learners”, a great deal of role-playing was used to prepare them for their fundraising jobs. This worked well until the animals were paired up with a buddy to practice their donation pitch.

“In hindsight, our trainers shouldn’t have matched the meat eaters with the plant eaters. We learned a lot of lessons that day. It took the rest of the afternoon to clean up the mess. We won’t be making that mistake twice.”

The issue of using the fundraising database was very challenging for the animals since most didn’t have opposable thumbs. This was eventually solved when the zoo brought onboard a number of primates from the ape enclosure to help input data.

“In testing, we found that human fundraisers were just about the same as chimps in using the database. The only real difference is that the humans went for coffee breaks and the chimps just sat there in a group picking ticks out of eat other’s fur.”

The first sales calls were made to those donors coming up on a pledge renewal and who had made donations to the zoo in their wills. Brewer said these would be the donors mostly likely to give again.

The initial results were very promising. Of the dozen animal fundraisers released by the zoo, only two went on a wild rampage eating dogs and cats and running amok at nearby elementary schools. The others did a fair job of making the pitch and getting results. The zoo raised more in one day with the animal fundraisers than any single day with their human counterparts.

“We were very pleased. The penguins especially did a wonderful job. People just gave and gave and kept on giving when the penguins waddled around their offices and homes. The tapirs and the wild asses did so-so. The lions had mixed results. One donor called the Zoo ten minutes after a lion came to their door and said they would pay anything not to be asked again. The other two donors the lions visited never responded at all, and in fact died in terrible home accidents shortly thereafter. Very sad.”

The Zoo plans to keep the animal fundraising program going and expand it to other animals in the near future.

“We have a whole snake enclosure that we haven’t tapped for fundraising yet. I think that’ll be our next move.”

Monday, May 7, 2012

CEO needs a briefing note for everything

Terri Snidely needs another briefing note. The new CEO of the Tri-State Metro Hospital is demanding a briefing note on everything from meeting individual donors and speaking to nurses to having lunch and going to the bathroom.

“I make half-a-million dollars running this hospital. I can’t be expected to know everything, like whether the person I’m speaking to next should be fired, praised or asked for a donation. I have to prioritize my time. That’s why I need more briefing notes,” she complained after being asked to speak to a gathering of retirees.

Since taking over the CEO’s position from “Smiling” Jack Peterson last year, Snidely has been kept busy getting rid of and replacing the entire senior management, reducing services and cutting expenses. The charity hospital, which used to lose money, broken even for the first time in a decade last year. However, more than 250 people have left the organization in the past year voluntarily or involuntarily.

“I spend all day trying to cut waste and trim the budget. So, it’s natural that when I unexpectedly have to meet with senior managers, donors or patients that I get mixed up and want to fire them or slash their salaries. It’s just instinct. That’s why I need briefing notes,” said Snidely.

Every day, staff submit a raft of briefing notes to Snidely’s office, where her executive assistant Dibble Brewer collects them and then briefs Snidely on who she is, where she is and why she is the CEO.

“We need a lot of briefing notes,” says Brewer. “Like, this morning, Ms. Snidely had to meet with senior managers, then have a bathroom break, then greet top donors who were on tour and finally go back to the office to write out the termination orders on two older managers who make too much money. I wouldn’t want her to get all those mixed up. That would be terrible.”

Snidely’s predecessor, Peterson, ran the hospital for nearly a decade. Handsome, smooth and warm, he was noted for his ability to speak with anyone, anywhere at any time.

“It’s no wonder that the hospital was in the red. The CEO shouldn’t be wasting money on things like getting to know people, sharing personal stories and jokes and making staff feel good about the work they do. We can’t afford that,” said Snidely.

Snidely notes that the handful of times that she hasn’t received timely briefing notes have been disasters. One time, at a gala fundraising dinner she mistook top donors seated at her table for hardnosed nursing union leaders and threatened to “sue them into the Stone Age” if they didn’t give up more money.

“That was an innocent mistake. The idiot head of the fundraising should have given me a briefing note explaining who these people were. I asked, but he just didn’t believe me when I said I really, really needed that note,” recalled Snidely. “Thank goodness threatening those donors actually led to huge donations that made the gala really successful.”

Another time, Snidely accidently switched briefing notes and got the board of governors mixed up with hospital food service workers she was replacing with a outsourced workers who make twice as less. In a short speech, she told them to gather all their personal things and leave the building immediately and never come back. Luckily, the mistake led to a major shift in thinking at the board level and allowed Snidely to bring in hand-picked community members who only care about her budget chopping.

Snidely’s briefing memos are complex and precise. Hospital staff must follow a ten page format that lists possible risks, people she may meet, how to handle tough questions and available escape routes in case things go wrong.

“I’m most particular about the emotions they want me to display. If I’m supposed to show remorse like when talking about some terrible mishap where we removed a patient’s arm instead of her leg, then I should know that. If I should be inspiring and optimistic, I need time to prepare the empty phrases and false praise that goes along with that,” she said.

Snidely says she really needs her briefing notes. Her work at the hospital depends on it.

“One time, I didn’t get my briefing note about going home at the end of the day,” Snidely said. “I was here all night.”

Thursday, May 3, 2012

New social media launched to squeeze more money out of donors

Look out Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest, here comes a new social media designed to find donors and squeeze every last cent out of them. Call Give Me All Your Money, the new social media is set to be launched next month.

Created by a conglomerate of some of the world’s largest donation software makers and charities, Give Me All Your Money is designed to specifically for fundraising organizations who want to truly engage their donors on a very deep level…and then take them to the cleaners by getting them to make extremely large donations.

“Our research found that current social media just wasn’t working for fundraising. I mean, Facebook is only being used for fundraising in something like two percent of the charities in the US. We needed something that would deliver a crushing, wrenching, fatal blow that would squeeze as much money out of our donors wallets as possible and still make them like us. So, we decided to make our own social media,” said Give Me All Your Money project manager Maurice Snidely.

Users of Facebook and Twitter will recognize the Give Me All Your Money interface, which looks very much the same as every other social media platform. Users can sign up to be “friends”, “like” certain activities, share messages, photos and videos and play inane and ultimately mind-numbing games.

Give Me All Your Money differs from other social media in that it uses proprietary metrics and search algorithms that brain-wash the donor into giving all their money to charity while simultaneously infecting their computer or smart phone and running off with their banking information. The result, says Snidely, is that Give Me All Your Money delivers 17 times the fundraising power as Facebook and 200 times as much as Twitter.

“With Give Me All Your Money you don’t have to actually make up content to inform, educate or entertain them. It works like a spider’s web. Donors run into, are caught and then the charity sucks their carcasses dry and discards them for the next meal. It’s very smart,” he said.

According to recent studies, it only takes a few minutes of looking at photos and reading “fake” information about the charity or its events to completely empty the donors’ minds and convert them into donation automatons. Most don’t even know they are being sucked dry until they wake up with a hangover the next morning not knowing what happened.

Developed by a software team familiar with online brainwashing from North Korea, the system is one of the most sophisticated social media platforms in the world. Users have to have a degree in computer science and zoology to operate it. Early tests on mice found that Give Me All Your Money was so powerful that it would actually make some animals heads implode while they gladly gave up their cheese and time in the spinning wheel thingy that all lab rats use.

Charities are thrilled with the new social media platform. The League of Big Honking Charities was part of the group that developed Give Me All Your Money.

“Our members were so tired of having to post all that content and stuff to Facebook. Most of them just hired some kid to do it because they couldn’t figure it out. And they never knew what to say,” said League CEO Dibble Brewer.

“We realized that instead of trying to create new ways to communicate  with donors and engage them we’d rather just brainwash them and take all their money. We couldn’t do that with Facebook, but now we can with Give Me All Your Money.

Not to be out done, reports say Facebook, Twitter and several other social media organizations are rushing to create their own fundraising platforms that squeeze donors just as hard or harder. One report says a skunk works team at Google has developed a method to turn donors into full-time slaves who are willing to sell their organs to support charity.

“We’re very proud of the system we’ve created. It will really make a difference for some of the charities in the world and for the donors they suck dry,” said Snidely. “And that’s what philanthropy is all about.”