|Fundraisers will set my people free|
Research on the newly found fragments of the what is thought to be a lost portion of the Old Testament show that God brought down 11 plagues on Egypt to force Pharaoh to let the Israelites go, not 10. The new version says that after death of the first-born of all Egyptian humans and animals, God brought down a “Host of fundraisers” as the 11th plague.
“This is a significant discovery. If true, it is the first time fundraisers have been mentioned in the Bible,” said Dr. O’Grady Snidely, the scientist heading up the investigation into the new fragments of the Old testament discovered underneath a fast food restaurant in the Dead Sea.
Historians had thought fundraising was invented by the Ancient Greeks. The idea that it existed during the time of the Old Testament is a radical departure from accepted theoretical underpinnings of fundraising.
“If this interpretation of fundraising is correct, we are going to have to rewrite the history books,” said Snidely. “We won’t be able to say that fundraising was thought up by the Greek Philosopher Archimedes in his bathtub when he lost his soap, now we’ll have to say it was one of the terrible calamities that Israel's God, Yahweh, inflicted upon Egypt to persuade Pharaoh to release the Israelites from slavery. It changes things a bit.”
The new numbering of the Plagues of Egypt show a different appreciation about what the Almighty himself thinks of fundraising, said Snidely.
“If a host of fundraisers are in fact the 11th and final plague that changed Pharaoh’s mind then we can assume that it is perhaps the most terrible disaster – worse than the Nile turning red, frogs, incurable boils and locusts. It gives us a new understanding of the value of this profession.”
While translation of the fragments is not complete, scientists say it appears that Pharaoh did in fact survive the death all of Egypt’s first-borns, reportedly including his own son, but not the fundraisers who “brought fear and papyrus pledge forms to the land and made much sorrow.”
Snidely says it appears the fundraisers were intent of starting a capital campaign for one of Pharaoh’s pyramids. The campaign for 40,000 deben of silver had not even finished it’s “quiet phase” when Pharaoh capitulated. They canvassed all of the Royal Court about the potential for donations and generally made a nuisance of themselves.
“We’re not sure what happened to the fundraisers after the Israelites were set free,” said Snidely. “Like the flies, lice and diseases of livestock, this plague just seemed to vanish into thin air. No more was mentioned of them in Old or New Testament and Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs are silent about them. But like any pestilence, they are still with us today.”