|What awaits the heretic Dan Pallotta|
The Charity Inquisition has announced that author and charity advocate Dan Pallotta has been found guilty heresy and witchcraft and will be burned at the stake next Wednesday at an annual conference of top US charities in Chicago.
Grand Inquisitor Juan Snidely said that Pallotta’s heretical works, including Uncharitable and Charity Case both cast doubt on existing dogma and must be purged from society.
“This heretic shows all the signs of blasphemy in his written works. He questions why we remain voiceless, defenseless, and unorganized in the face of broad public misunderstanding of how social change really happens. For this, he must burn,” said Snidely.
In a trial held in secret the Charity Inquisition read through Pallotta’s two books, collected blogs, essays for the Harvard Review and the siftings of his trash looking for “proofs” of witchcraft, according to standard rules of charity inquisition. The inquisitors said they found several proofs of his “pact with Satan”. These usually include a mole or a birthmark, having a “witch’s nose”, causing harm by means of sorcery, to be afraid during the interrogatories and to not to cry under torment (because of the Devil's aid).
Under interrogation, Pallotta refused to renounce his diabolical works such as his idea of an
charity anti-defamation league and the enactment of a National Civil Rights Act for Charity & Social Enterprise.
“This blasphemer was as guilty as guilty can be, but then we introduced even more evidence at the trial to prove beyond a doubt his pact with Satan,” said Snidely.
At the trial, the beaten and bruised leadership of Charity Navigator were made to testify about Pallotta’s witchcraft. The Inquisition had arrested and tortured them for days to extract the truth, making them read their reports line-by-line until they went mad.
“The law of witch burning is very clear. When one witch condemns another it is proof positive of Satan’s works!” said Snidely.
Found guilty of heresy, witchcraft and having “diabolical good looks”, Pallotta was condemned to be burned at the stake. Unfamiliar with the process, Pallotta thought at first that he was going to be given overcooked steak until he was taken to the courtyard of the conference centre where next Wednesday charity leaders from across the US will gather to see him burn during a coffee break between keynote speakers. Inquisition officials bought out local supplies of his books in order to make the bonfire that will eventually burn him alive.
“Even now at this last hour he can still escape his fate if he will only repent!” said Snidely. “All he has to do is admit that charities should be second-class organizations that accept the unreasonable demands of the public upon them and he will be saved.”
Under Inquisition law, if Pallotta repents he will only be drowned instead of burned.