Thursday, November 29, 2012

Santa turns away Scrooge’s $30 million donation because “he was not himself”

The North Pole’s capital fundraising campaign has announced it won’t be accepting a major donation because of the donor’s suspected mental health issues. The donation, which was announced publicly by London financier Ebenezer Scrooge last week, was worth $30 million.

“We cannot accept this donation because we suspect that the donor who made it may not have been himself at the time,” said Santa, CEO of the North Pole is Melting campaign. “We follow strict guidelines on ethical fundraising, and one of them is to not take money from people whose choices may be suspect due to a physical or mental illness. I’d rather we turn this money away than take the risk of taking advantage of a donor.”

Scrooge made the pledge of $30 million to the campaign after vowing to give away his entire fortune, worth nearly a billion dollars,  to help lame children and the poor. In a bizarre ceremony, he burned the mortgages of several tenants and then ransacked a nearby toy store and gave all of its contents to passersby. Later, he led a parade of people to buy the biggest turkey in London.

The announcement caught many in Old London by surprise because of Scrooge’s right-wing, conservative political views and well-known advocacy for an end to welfare and the construction of poor houses. One newspaper editor called him a “squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner.”

His company, Scrooge & Marley, made a profit of nearly $150 million last year, mostly through running low-end tenement housing in London and through shrewd money-lending through their investment bank, Scrooge Marley Financial PLC.

Police were called to Scrooge’s office in Canary Wharf later that same day as the announcement after Executive Assistant Bob Cratchit reported that his boss was acting strangely. Reports say Scrooge said he had been talking to long-dead business partner Jacob Marley and had been visited by a number of “spirits”, some of who had taken him back in time to meet himself in the past. He also kept asking “what day it was” and whether he had “missed it”. After talking with Scrooge at his office for an hour, police transferred him to Maudsley Hospital, a psychiatric facility in South London, for observation. He is expected to remain there for several weeks.

“Mr. Scrooge is comfortable,” his Nephew Fred told reporters on the steps of the hospital after visiting his uncle. “A change came over him recently. He wanted to help everyone and give away all his money. He so wanted to help Santa save the North Pole with a donation to the North Pole is Melting campaign. But he’s just not himself. We can’t trust a thing he says. This sudden, massive generosity is a sure sign that he’s as crazy as a loon.”

In a statement, Santa said he wished Scrooge all the best and hoped that we would donate to the campaign “when he is feeling better”.

In a related story, a strange hooded-figure, dressed all in black, was arrested yesterday near Scrooge’s home shuffling around and pointing at people with a single, gaunt hand. 

“This whole bleeding neighbourhood is going crazy,” said one passer-by. 


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Grinch makes $50 million donation to North Pole capital campaign

Grinch saves Christmas

The North Pole’s capital fundraising campaign has announced its first major donation – a $50 million gift from the Grinch, a strange, green hermit who lives near Whoville, 500 miles north of Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories of Canada.

The gift to the North Pole is Melting, the capital campaign to keep Santa’s workshop and castle from melting, was announced at the Grinch’s home on the side of Mount Crumpet.

The in-kind donation includes an assortment of goods including toys, such as jingtinglers, floofloovers, tartookas and whohoopers, and a variety of food products, including roast beast and whopudding. It also included one extremely large Christmas tree that folds up like an umbrella. The total package of items was valued at more than $50 million.

“I’m so very pleased to have Mr. Grinch be the first major donor to the campaign. His collection of pop guns, pampoogas, pantookas, and drums, checkerboards, bizilbigs, popcorn, and plums will help offset some of our costs for Christmas. He really is most generous and kind to be helping save the North Pole from melting like this,” said Santa Claus, CEO of the North Pole is Melting capital campaign. 

The Grinch said he made the donation because he wanted help Santa Claus and ensure that the North Pole remains frozen.

“I know all the good boys and girls will hanging their stockings,” he snarled with a sneer.
"December 25th is Christmas! It's practically here!

“I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming…uhm…to an end. Yes, end. Heh.”

The inspiration for the gift came to him when he and his dog Max were sledding in the woods of Mount Crumpet carrying a huge sack toys, food, gifts and other things. Ten thousand feet up, up the side of Mount Crumpet, the Grinch rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it. And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the Grinch realized the tax receipt he could get for a donation that day.

“The phone rang just as I was losing my grip on things. It was my accountant and he had a suggestion about what I could do with the stuff I stole…I mean collected. We talked about how it would impact my taxes and we made the phone call to the North Pole,” said the Grinch.

“It is this kind of philanthropic leadership that will make this campaign a success,” said Santa. “The Grinch has saved Christmas.”

The mega-donation to the campaign comes in the midst of one of the worst economic downturns in the Whoville area. The local town has been stripped bare of food, clothes, toys and almost everything else. It has become so bad that the Who’s who live in the area have each
Had their mouths hang open a minute or two and then begun to all cry boo-hoo.

“My heart goes out to the Who’s down in Whoville. But their terrible situation makes this gift all the more special. Out of all these economic woes, some people can still think of others this Christmas,” said Santa.

See more at the NorthPoleisMelting.Com

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Santa gets 33,567 sales calls from consultants, suppliers for North Pole capital campaign

Answering some of his million emails

The North Pole’s telephone and Internet service crashed yesterday under the weight of more than 33,000 calls and nearly one million emails from consultants and suppliers looking to get a piece of Santa Claus’ new, $750 million capital fundraising campaign – The North Pole is Melting.

The calls, emails, flowers and couriered packages from fundraising consultants the world over started arriving within hours of the announcement of the campaign earlier this month. The volume increased steadily until the telephone system and Internet went down for three hours late yesterday. At its peak, Santa received 470 voicemails alone and 3,500 emails in a 24 hour period.

“Ho, ho, hold the phone!” said Santa Claus in a statement at “I don’t mind getting calls from good girls and boys who want to chat about whether they’ve been bad or good, but this is ridiculous. These people are making it impossible for us to get ready for Christmas!”

Two consultants who got through
Santa received most of the calls from fundraising consultants. Each left an average 15 minute rambling voicemail, sent four emails, two offers to connect on Linkedin, one offer to play golf sometime/go for drinks the next time Santa is in town and one couriered portfolio of their current client roster. The Social Media consultants only sent emails, Tweets and offers to connect on Facebook since most of them don’t know how to talk to humans on the phone. More than two dozen ad agencies tried to send staff members to the North Pole on unsolicited sales calls with flowers and chocolates. Since no one told them that the North Pole’s airport is now partially underwater because of melting, half of them drown. Database experts sent emails with an average of 10 attachments each and then had at least three of their database consultants send follow-up emails explaining what the attachments meant.

The consultants didn’t just target Santa. Mrs. Claus received 100 free make-over offers and 450 dozen flowers, most of which wilted in the harsh Artic climate. Rudolph, as the chair of the campaign planning committee, was invited to address ten different fundraising associations. Others at the North Pole received pens, cooler bags, wreaths (as if they don’t have them at the North Pole), golf club sets and watches.

Turned away
“I am very pleased that so many people out there are interested in our campaign. But we don’t need more fundraising consultants, social media consultants, database consultants and consultants who know how to manage other consultants – we need donations,” said Santa.

The campaign has re-directed all incoming calls, emails, gifts, letters, UFO sightings, tweets or other social media messages to the Old Elf Home where it is hoped they will stimulate and excite the aging elves who otherwise lead dreary, lonely lives.

“I want to thank everyone who contact us about the campaign, but unless you have some money to give please bug off,” concluded Santa.

The campaign also announced that Santa would not be accepting the 567 awards for Philanthropist of the Year from various worldwide fundraising associations. 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Santa Claus launches fundraising campaign to stop North Pole from melting

Santa Claus has announced the start of a new $750 million capital campaign to keep the North Pole from melting. Called “North Pole is Melting”, the campaign will fund the construction of a new 100-foot tall, nuclear-powered refrigerator that will keep Santa’s home and toy factory from sinking.

“Things are not so ho ho ho here at the North Pole,” said Santa. “The North Pole is melting. Thanks to global warming there’s a giant hole in the Ozone Layer above the Arctic Circle. Because of that the ice sheet that covers the North Pole is melting. So, we either raise enough money to buy this Big Fridge or we start handing out life jackets.”

The North Pole is home to Santa’s Christmas operation. It employs several thousand elves, dozens of reindeer and several humans, including Mrs. Claus. Already, Santa’s operation has felt the impact of melting ice. Some buildings have become unstable. A few elves have disappeared. If things continue, Santa says they will have to leave the North Pole and Christmas will be cancelled.

“I believe in the power of philanthropy. That’s why I thought of this campaign. I know the good boys and girls of the world will help,” said the jolly old elf.

Santa hired two sets of fundraising consultants to conduct a feasibility study for a capital campaign. The first set, Turner, Zhen and Snidely, disappeared when the building they were using for a focus group with potential donors sank. The second consultants, Big Invoice, completed the review, despite several cases of frostbite. Both consultants recommended a $750 million capital campaign.

The campaign will see a direct marketing campaign launched on Christmas Eve. All of Santa’s presents, stockings and other things will feature a QR code that links back to the NorthPoleisMelting.Com website. Santa will also ask the UN for a “donation” of 10 cents per Christmas card on behalf of the people of the world. Lead sponsors will be able to make named donations for everything from the bibs reindeers wear to Santa’s toy factory. An affinity program will also see Santa endorse a line of cookies and several large dairies. rAs well, a team of major gift officers will begin travelling the world calling on donor prospects using Santa’s sleigh the day after Christmas.

Santa will head up the campaign. Mrs. Claus will be in charge of annual giving and Dennis the Fat Elf will lead the major gifts team. Santa says they plan to make maximum use of their Christmas database.

“We’re lucky in that we have more than 1.5 billion names in our database. It keeps track of everything from their name and address to whether they have been bad or good. That’ll give us a leg up on fundraising,” he said.

“Our plan is simple. Our new 100-foot tall, nuclear-powered refrigerator will blast out cold air 24 hours a day, ensuring that the North Pole remains frozen and Santa’s toy factory remains in operation. Its tried and true legacy technology for a new age of climate change. The Big Fridge will give scientists, researchers, elves and reindeer time to figure out how to slow down Global Warming and find alternatives.”


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Number of annual charity-themed “days” now more than 17,000

If it's 9:00 AM, it must be World Chicken Leg Day!

The International Themed-Day Authority says there are now more than 17,000 annual charity “days”. In a new study, the Authority says each day of the year now has an average of 46 different fundraising or engagement days.

The study, called “The Days Challenge”, found that there were more than 3,000 days to fight cancer, 1,500 days to help the environment, 900 days to support animal welfare and 12 days devoted to whether Elvis is alive or dead.

“Every year, the world has about half-a-century worth of charity-themed days. That’s too much,” said Gottfried Von Snidely, Secretary-General of the Authority, at a news conference in Geneva. “And the trouble is that that more and more days are being introduced all the time. We’re heading for real trouble if we don’t bring in international regulation.”

The study found that the entire 365-day calendar was actually filled by charity themed-days back in 1978. Every day since then has added multiple days, making some dates completely unmanageable.

“Take January 3rd for example. It has one of the fewest charity themed-days, but it’s still the day the world celebrates ‘Be Nice to Trout Day’, ‘Kiss for Oral Health Day’, ‘Alaskan Social Work Day’, ‘Chicken Leg Day’ and five others,” said Von Snidely.

The day of the year with the most charity themed-days is June 1st, with a record 327 “days”. This includes International Children's Day, Mothers and Children’s Day (Mongolia), Fei Fei Day (Vancouver), Madaraka Day (Kenya), Marine's Day (Mexico), National Day Against Homophobia (Canada) and National Tree Planting Day (Cambodia). It is also the “Alumni Day” for 39 US universities, the “birthday” for 41 North American hospitals and the annual day for more than 100 disease-based charities.

The study found that North American charities owned more than 88 per cent of all charity themed-days. Developing world charities have had considerable trouble getting international recognition for their themed-days. More than once, charities from Africa have appealed directly to the United Nations to get their days recognized only to be vetoed by the United States at the Security Council. Later this month, one East Asian charity will launch a legal action at the World Trade Court claiming that the US is monopolizing themed-days to protect its charitable sector.

The Authority is recommending a moratorium on new theme-days until new regulations can be introduced. The new rules would see each day carved up into hourly periods and allocated to various charities based on importance and geography.
“Under the regulations, International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination would get the 9:00AM slot on March 21st and World Poetry Day would get 10:00AM. World Puppetry Day would only get the period between 11:00 and 11:20AM since it’s not very important,” explained Snidely.

The report is making waves in Washington where Congress is debating whether to follow the new rules or to create a US-system.

“We don’t want any foreign charities taking our themed-days,” said Republican Senator Possum Brewer, chairman of the powerful Senate Miscellaneous Things Committee. “We created these days and we’re gonna keep ‘em.”

Friday, November 9, 2012

500th Subscriber wins a mug!

The gang at the Calgary Food Bank with our MUG

Congratulations to our 500th subscriber -- the Calgary Food Bank. We sent them one of the mugs from our NP Humour Store. CEO James awarded it to DD, fundraiser extraordinaire, who is being presented a "big cheque" and the NPH mug by Christina and Jeremy. Good work!

"DD was actually the person who put me on to this great blog/site/material and I love it. We all subscribe around here now actually. I presented the cup you have me for being the 500th signer-upper since she did all the prospect work for you," says CEO James.

Of course, we agree!

Sign-up to be an email subscriber and you, too, can enter our contests!

Don't forget to visit our store

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Dan Pallotta to be burned at stake for witchcraft

What awaits the heretic Dan Pallotta

The Charity Inquisition has announced that author and charity advocate Dan Pallotta has been found guilty heresy and witchcraft and will be burned at the stake next Wednesday at an annual conference of top US charities in Chicago.

Grand Inquisitor Juan Snidely said that Pallotta’s heretical works, including Uncharitable and Charity Case both cast doubt on existing dogma and must be purged from society.

“This heretic shows all the signs of blasphemy in his written works. He questions why we remain voiceless, defenseless, and unorganized in the face of broad public misunderstanding of how social change really happens. For this, he must burn,” said Snidely.

In a trial held in secret the Charity Inquisition read through Pallotta’s two books, collected blogs, essays for the Harvard Review and the siftings of his trash looking for “proofs” of witchcraft, according to standard rules of charity inquisition. The inquisitors said they found several proofs of his “pact with Satan”. These usually include a mole or a birthmark, having a “witch’s nose”, causing harm by means of sorcery, to be afraid during the interrogatories and to not to cry under torment (because of the Devil's aid).

Under interrogation, Pallotta refused to renounce his diabolical works such as his idea of an
charity anti-defamation league and the enactment of a National Civil Rights Act for Charity & Social Enterprise.

“This blasphemer was as guilty as guilty can be, but then we introduced even more evidence at the trial to prove beyond a doubt his pact with Satan,” said Snidely.

At the trial, the beaten and bruised leadership of Charity Navigator were made to testify about Pallotta’s witchcraft. The Inquisition had arrested and tortured them for days to extract the truth, making them read their reports line-by-line until they went mad.

“The law of witch burning is very clear. When one witch condemns another it is proof positive of Satan’s works!” said Snidely.

Found guilty of heresy, witchcraft and having “diabolical good looks”, Pallotta was condemned to be burned at the stake. Unfamiliar with the process, Pallotta thought at first that he was going to be given overcooked steak until he was taken to the courtyard of the conference centre where next Wednesday charity leaders from across the US will gather to see him burn during a coffee break between keynote speakers. Inquisition officials bought out local supplies of his books in order to make the bonfire that will eventually burn him alive.

“Even now at this last hour he can still escape his fate if he will only repent!” said Snidely. “All he has to do is admit that charities should be second-class organizations that accept the unreasonable demands of the public upon them and he will be saved.”

Under Inquisition law, if Pallotta repents he will only be drowned instead of burned.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Charity calls off “Quiet phase” of campaign because staff can’t handle not talking for months, years

Office poster at the Trust

Metro’s largest charity is throwing in the towel on the “Quiet phase” of its new $65 million capital campaign because of a rebellion by staff and volunteers about not talking.

The Metro University Trust started the new so-called “Quiet phase” of the Big Vision Campaign last month. The plan was to have the first phase of the campaign last for at least  a year, possibly two.  But after less than 30 days, staff and senior campaign volunteers started pressuring the Trust’s leaders to start talking again.

“We followed the plan that our consultant laid out for us,” said Trust Executive Director Bif Snidely said. “And so we outlawed all talking at our office. On the plus side, we had much lower long-distance phone calls and that saved us money. But the staff couldn’t take it. We had to stop it.”

Under the plan, no talking was allowed during Trust business. Staff couldn’t talk at the office or when attending outside events. Phone calls were not answered and donors who paid a call to the Trust’s building were greeted with huge signs that read “We can’t talk to you. Please write down what you want on this piece of paper.”

“We tried our very best. Many of us were skeptical when we heard about this quiet phase stuff, but we thought that our consultant knew what he was doing, so we put our heart and soul into it. But not talking for a month is really, really hard,” said Snidely.

“I don’t know how the Ivey League schools do it. They must hire all mutes or something.”

Initially, not talking actually led to more productivity. Meetings which used to last hours were done in just a few minutes. Idle chitchat, the bane of all time wasting in modern offices, was eliminated. The lengthy consultations that were the norm before the change were radically reduced to just a few emails.

“Things went well at first,” said Snidely. “It was strangely refreshing to have complete silence in our offices. But then things started happening.”

A staff member injured themselves carrying paper to the photocopier a week after the new policy was implemented.

“When you hurt yourself you want to say something like ‘ouch’. But Jill couldn’t. Do you know how difficult it is to text profanity to your co-workers?”

Returning phone calls became a major issue, especially for major gift officers. Their initial plans to learn American Sign Language took too long. And carrying bulky computers to turn text into automated-speech often didn’t work, mainly because of typos.

Snidely says he will be in touch next week with their fundraising consultant to help them navigate a re-start to their campaign without a ban on talking.

“We also want to talk to him about this idea that we have to get half our campaign goal ‘in the can’ before we start. We’ve tried to fit the money we’ve raised to date into a variety of different sized cans and none of it will fit.”

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Lost passage from Old Testament shows the 11th Plague of Egypt was “Fundraisers”

Fundraisers will set my people free

Research on the newly found fragments of the what is thought to be a lost portion of the Old Testament show that God brought down 11 plagues on Egypt to force Pharaoh to let the Israelites go, not 10. The new version says that after death of the first-born of all Egyptian humans and animals, God brought down a “Host of fundraisers” as the 11th plague.

“This is a significant discovery. If true, it is the first time fundraisers have been mentioned in the Bible,” said Dr. O’Grady Snidely, the scientist heading up the investigation into the new fragments of the Old testament discovered underneath a fast food restaurant in the Dead Sea.

Historians had thought fundraising was invented by the Ancient Greeks. The idea that it existed during the time of the Old Testament is a radical departure from accepted theoretical underpinnings of fundraising.

“If this interpretation of fundraising is correct, we are going to have to rewrite the history books,” said Snidely. “We won’t be able to say that fundraising was thought up by the Greek Philosopher Archimedes in his bathtub when he lost his soap, now we’ll have to say it was one of the terrible calamities that Israel's God, Yahweh, inflicted upon Egypt to persuade Pharaoh to release the Israelites from slavery. It changes things a bit.”

The new numbering of the Plagues of Egypt show a different appreciation about what the Almighty himself thinks of fundraising, said Snidely.

“If a host of fundraisers are in fact the 11th and final plague that changed Pharaoh’s mind then we can assume that it is perhaps the most terrible disaster – worse than the Nile turning red, frogs, incurable boils and locusts. It gives us a new understanding of the value of this profession.”

While translation of the fragments is not complete, scientists say it appears that Pharaoh did in fact survive the death all of Egypt’s first-borns, reportedly including his own son, but not the fundraisers who “brought fear and papyrus pledge forms to the land and made much sorrow.”

Snidely says it appears the fundraisers were intent of starting a capital campaign for one of Pharaoh’s pyramids. The campaign for 40,000 deben of silver had not even finished it’s “quiet phase” when Pharaoh capitulated. They canvassed all of the Royal Court about the potential for donations and generally made a nuisance of themselves.

“We’re not sure what happened to the fundraisers after the Israelites were set free,” said Snidely. “Like the flies, lice and diseases of livestock, this plague just seemed to vanish into thin air. No more was mentioned of them in Old or New Testament and Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs are silent about them. But like any pestilence, they are still with us today.”