Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Two Major Gifts Officers to have High Noon showdown over McCurdy ask

Kansas Pete

Two cowboy fundraisers are expected to have a showdown near Boot Hill at High Noon today over which one will ask the Sid and Svetlana McCurdy for $250,000 for the Metro Hospital Foundation’s capital campaign. Only one is expected to walk away with the ask.

“Tex” Snidely, the Foundation’s senior fundraiser has had dibs on every ask since he gunned down Elisabeth “Whiskey” Wannamaker in a gunfight over the ask to the Moneybags Foundation five years ago. Since then, he’s been the undisputed cowpoke among the Foundations ten major gift officers. That was until “Kansas Pete” Towers came to town. The young, singing fundraiser who does horse riding tricks and brands cattle with one hand challenged Snidely to a showdown over the coveted McCurdy ask.

“Tex was the undisputed king of the fundraisers in this town, before Kansas Pete came along,” said Foundation CEO Hairdoo Malone. “Nobody ever tried to mess with Tex. He buried three young major gifts officers who crossed him on asks just last year. None of them had a chance. He just gunned ‘em down, and laughed. But Kansas Pete is different, and Tex aint a laughing now.”

Towers, who hails from Dodge City, is known as the fastest fundraiser in the West. He has made more asks for more money than most fundraisers half his age. At the Dodge City Community Trust, he took down all the major gifts officers and the Executive Director by raising twice as much as they did. He also sings cowboy tunes, plays guitar, drinks twice as much as any man, woman or animal and gets “duded up right purdy” like no other man who is comfortable with his own masculinity.

Snidely is known for his tough, gruff demeanor. He is said to have been more meaner than any fundraiser alive or dead. It was no surprise to many when the two men clashed.

Things came to a head in the Foundation’s lunch room when Snidely came in and found Towers singing and doing cow-roping tricks for the staff. The two had sparred only minutes earlier over the McCurdy ask – a lucrative donation solicitation.

Mean Tex Snidely
“Tex, he saw Kansas Pete a singing and a laughing and making like he was the king. And that didn’t sit well with him,” said Malone. “So, he says to Kansas Pete ‘I don’t likes your singing – you sing like a young gifts processing assistant at tax time – all squeaky.’”

Towers reportedly put down his guitar and said Snidely was “full of wind as a corn-eating horse”. Snidely then said that Towers could put his donor meeting notes in the oven, “but that don't make ‘em biscuits”. A short scuffle followed before Towers called Snidely out to a duel near Boot Hill at High Noon.

“This foundation ain’t big enough for the both of us,” Snidely reportedly said.

The two fundraisers then separated to prepare. Snidely sat drinking strong coffee in the lunchroom surrounded by his admirers and supporters from gift processing and IT. Towers calmly sat singing his guitar to the girls at the events department.

The Foundation is split over who will prevail. Many think Snidely has had his day.

“I gots my money on Kansas Pete,” said Juney Simpleton, an events coordinator. “He’s younger and smarter and faster than that smelly old Tex. Why Tex is tighter than bark on a tree, he is. Kansas Pete will air him out some!”

“Tex has been doing fundraising longer than Kansas Pete has been alive, and in a fight like this, with the sun in your eyes and your hand on young smart phone, experience always counts,” said Cynthia Twotimer, finance director. “The Kansas Pete has sung his last fundraising ballad.”

The two men are scheduled to meet at 12:30 right before the meeting of the staff decorating committee.