Thursday, October 4, 2012

Dead business woman named chair of local Zombie United Way campaign

Zombie Campaign Cabinet

The Metro United Way has named a popular dead woman to be the chair of their first ever local Zombie campaign, which hopes to raise $1 million.

Liesel Snidely, who in life was a small business owner and now walks the Earth neither dead nor alive, becomes the first monster to join the United Way’s board of directors. United Way CEO Dibble Brewer said Snidely is the perfect un-person for the job.

“We’re very pleased to have Liesel Snidely heading up this new campaign aimed at Metro’s Zombie community,” said Brewer. “This community is so vibrant and alive, so we picked someone who was both dead and animated to lead it. That’s Liesel to a tee. Nothing stops her when she puts her mind to something…even though part of her brain is protruding from her skull. We expect great things from Liesel and her team this fall.”

Snidely owned the operated her own woman’s fashion store before becoming a Zombie two years ago after a retro-virus was mistakenly released from the US Army bio-weapons research lab in Metro’s east end. Since then she has worked tirelessly on behalf of the Zombie community, organizing food kitchens and advocating for Zombies with the secret Zombie-inducing corporate cabal that is seeking the overthrow of society as we know it.

Attempts to engage the Zombie community for last year’s United Way campaign were not very successful. In fact, Brewer says all of the staff and volunteers assigned to reach out to the Zombie community never came back. Those that did came back in pieces.

The United Way says expanding their annual campaign to the local Zombie community fits with their strategy of engaging different parts of Metro society. Zombies are one of the largest group of users for United Way funded programs and represent a new untapped source of fundraising.

“When we looked at our programs we saw Zombies. A year ago, there were only a few of them, but in the last few months they’re everywhere. This is obviously a community in need,” said Brewer. “We’re hoping that the Zombies will be able to help us fund our important community programs through payroll giving and our event fundraising programs.”

Brewer says they arre already planning their first ever Zombie event – a Downtown Zombie Food Festival. Next month, local chefs from downtown Metro restaurants will be serving up an array of delicacies for local Zombies at the Main Street Hotel. A local children’s choir will be providing entertainment.

“We’re expecting to attract several hundred Zombies from all across Metro to this event. There’ll be plenty of nice things to eat and things to see, like the Metro Children’s Choir – they’ll just eat them up. We will have extended hours for the event because some Zombies take a long time to walk anywhere and others only come out at night,” said Brewer.

Snidely will be joined on the Zombie campaign cabinet by a number of other community leaders, including the dead bald man with half his stomach missing who looks like Ralph Zwitze the insurance salesman who will be co-chair.

Local businesses are being asked to get Zombie customers to fill out “sunshine” stickers, which will be displayed in shop windows. Each sticker will retail for $2.00.

A Zombie campaign thermometer was to have been erected at the entrance to Main Street Park last week, but the crew putting it up strangely went missing. Once dusk has fallen and a light fog rolls in another crew will be dispatched to finish the job. They include a grizzled old construction foreman, a young teenager who will likely be the first to be eaten and a strong male lead who will eventually be the only human left in Metro.