Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Scientists discover “God particle” that explains philanthropy

The Snidely Bosom

Scientists at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, say they have made a major breakthrough in the understanding of both physics and philanthropy. The team says it has discovered a particle that appears to be consistent with the Snidely Bosom, the so-called “God particle” that explains how philanthropy works at the subatomic level.  

Two independent research teams, working with CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, came to the same conclusion after months of study.

“The new particle we observed has all the trappings of the Snidely Bosom – the theoretical particle that explains everything about philanthropy and some other stuff about mass, gravity and whatnot,” said Dr. Dibble Brewer, Chief Scientist for CERN’s research team. “We still have much work to do, but I think we’ve made a major breakthrough. So much so, that I have no problem asking for a better parking space now.”

Researchers used matter taken from living philanthropists and placed it in the LHC, which runs through a tunnel 27 kilometres (17 miles) in circumference 175 metres (574 feet) beneath the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland. The matter, mostly made up of skin samples from Ivey League donors, was then blasted through the LHC to collide with protons from donation forms at the other end of the tunnel at a speed of 2.76 TeV per nucleon.

After admiring the colourful “splat” pattern the experiment created they then measured the weight of the resulting subatomic particle. The CERN team found a "bump" in their data corresponding to a particle weighing in at 125.3 gigaelectronvolts (GeV) - about 133 times heavier than the proton at the heart of every atom.

“It was so tiny, we used a toy measuring scale from an old Barbie set – the one where she wanted to be a nuclear physicist and have Ken stay home and look after the kids. But it worked!” said Brewer.

The Snidely Bosom was created by super-fundraiser Sid Snidely in the 1970s at the University of Southern North Dakota’s foundation. Snidely argued that fundraising could not be explained by current theories of physics. He theorized that a subatomic particle which he called “Bob” likely held the key to the understanding of the forces of the universe, such as gravity, mass, planned giving and social media.

“The Snidely Bosom will give us the answers we have been looking for, such as why people give, how they can give again and what kind of cola they prefer,” Snidely wrote just before he was downsized by the University and replaced with a 27-year old fundraiser who made twice as less.

CERN Scientists say the existence of the Snidely Bosom will radically change philanthropy. They predict that fundraisers will be able to create capital campaigns that are thousands of times more powerful than any existing today.

“In the very near future, fundraisers will be able to use a simple scanning device to see who will give and who will not. And when people give, fundraisers will have the ability to use subatomic physics to make them give at any level. And they will also be able to make donors stop asking for their tax receipts early and complaining about other annoying stuff,” said Brewer.

On hand for the announcement, Snidely told the media and fellow scientists that he was overjoyed to be the center of attention again and plans to become a motivational speaker.