Sunday, June 3, 2012

Terrorist Trees threaten charity's direct mail program

Metro’s trees have threatened to stop their essential oxygen production unless the Snidely Health Trust stops their “genocidal” direct mail program.

The Tree Liberation Army, a radical tree-based terrorist group, gave the warning in a letter written on recycled paper to local media outlets earlier this morning. The letter gave the Trust 24 hours to stop their next direct mail campaign or all of Metro would face suffocation.

“Too many of our brothers and sisters have died at the hands of the inane, wasteful and, ultimately, genocidal direct mail campaign at the Snidely Health Trust. We have tried to use peaceful means to stop them, but they would not listen. The only way is to withdraw our absorption of carbon dioxide and make them choke…” the letter said.

Police say they believe the threat is real and have brought in reinforcements from the FBI, state police and other forces in the tri-state area to help. City officials are preparing local hospitals for massive casualties and are seizing local O2 supplies.

“We are doing everything we can to track down these terrorists. We ask everyone in Metro to remain common and avoid trying to repeatedly hold their breath. We will stop this menace,” said Metro Police Chief Stanley Nightstick.

Meantime, Mayor Dibble Brewer is urging the Trust to halt their next massive direct mail campaign until the terrorists are caught.

“Metro only has one million residents. There’s no need for the Trust to send out three million direct mail pieces every week. And they don’t need to send out ten pieces in each mailing. I mean, how many times do they have to ask someone for money? I call on the Trust’s leaders to do what’s best and halt their mailings,” she said.

But Trust officials say they won’t be dictated to by terrorists. Trust CEO Spooley Smiley told reporters that the mailings will continue until their campaign goal is met or they run out of paper, whichever comes first.

“Our direct mail campaign uses recognized standards to determine how many mailings to send. Just because every person, dog and cat in Metro has received a direct mail appeal from us at least five times this year doesn’t mean that we’ve made our objective. We have a quota to meet,” she said.

Smiley scoffed at reports that trees across Metro would soon stop making oxygen and kill everyone in the city.

“A single mature tree can absorb carbon dioxide at a rate of 48 pounds per year and release enough oxygen back into the atmosphere to support 2 human beings,” she said. “Even if all the trees in Metro stopped absorption it would only kill maybe a quarter of the population, tops. We’d still have plenty of donors left to send direct mail appeals to.”

The Trust has offered to negotiate with local trees. It plans to print a special 48-page supplement in all three local newspapers explaining its position on its stewardship of the forest policies.