Wednesday, June 13, 2012

First contact with life from another planet is a fundraising appeal letter

We are not alone. Especially when it comes to funding capital projects.

NASA today revealed that it had received an alien communication directed at Earth from the Alpha Centauri star system some 4.24 light years away.

The communication, in what looks like a Number 10 envelope, was detected by the Hubble Space Telescope a month ago. NASA officials were able to reposition other satellites to observe the communication more closely. Last week, a robot spaceship from the International Space Station recovered the item, which was then sent in a remotely-controlled capsule to Earth.
NASA scientists have been studying the communication ever since.

During a press conference at Houston Space Centre this morning NASA officials said they believe the communication is a message from beings of another world.

“It’s in a language that we can’t fully understand yet, but clearly this is a direct mail letter asking the people of Earth to give generously to help a hospital capital campaign on the second planet of the Alpha Centauri star system. The return envelope was a dead giveaway,” said NASA lead scientist Gerry Snidely.

“From what we’ve been able to translate, the alien beings on this planet need to raise a great deal of revenue to build the new wing of the hospital in the capital city. They need what they call 70 million ‘Snarfblats” – whatever that is – to make the campaign a success.”

The letter asked the people of Earth to either make a donation and send it in a spaceship back to Alpha Centauri before the campaign ends ten years from now or to make a pledge and allow their alien fleet of flying saucers to come to Earth to collect the donation. Either way, the aliens said that a gift of “any amount” would be welcome. They also praised the people of Earth for being known throughout the Cosmos as “generous and tastey.”

NASA said they will consult with the United Nations General Assembly about the request for donations as soon as they’ve been able to translate the entire letter.

“There’s still several parts of the letter we don’t understand, like the testimonial from some being who looks like a patient of the hospital and a message from the chair of the alien hospital warning that they may have to destroy Earth if the campaign isn’t a success,” said Snidely.

Xeno-Fundraising experts on Earth say a direct mail letter from another world was to be expected, especially with the way the universe’s economy has been going.

“Donations are down everywhere, even in Alpha Centauri,” said Dr. Dibble Brewer, professor of Alien Philanthropy at the University of Northern South Dakota. “To make ends meet charities around the universe have been trying to expand their direct mail programs to reach larger, newer audiences of potential donors – it was just a matter of time before we got a letter from an alien asking for a donation.”

Brewer said that several universities and hospitals in North America are already working on their own space program which will send unmanned fundraising rockets to other solar systems.

“In fact, it’s been fundraising dollars that have been funding NASA to map the planets in our own solar system. They were hoping to find a pool of untapped aliens on Mars or Neptune that hadn’t heard about planned giving yet, but those planets turned up empty.”

NASA officials say they are worried that the alien fundraising letter may be the start of a campaign of direct mail aimed at Earth.

“We don’t know anything about these aliens and what their values are – they may just sell their donor list to any Tom, Dick or Harry to make a quick buck. And then, who knows?”