A bloody civil war has broken out in the tiny Eastern European country of Slobodia over a decision by a UN charity to not list the Solbodian President on its donor wall.
The UN World Charity Trust (UNWCHT) announcement in Geneva yesterday that it would not recognize Slobodian President Vladich Snidelyov on its new donor wall touched off widespread fighting in the Slobodian capital, Drivethruvaka, yesterday. The fighting capped weeks of tension and threats of violence between forces who say the UN should recognize cumulative lifetime giving and those who say only donors to the current capital campaign should be on the UN donor wall.
The lifetime giving faction, headed by Snidelyov and the ruling political party, had threatened to take military action if cumulative donors were excluded from the UN donor wall. Current donor forces, headed by factions in the military and the country’s powerful CFRE lobby, have been calling on Snidelyov to resign and for the country to back the UN decision.
Shortly after the UN decision was announced in Geneva, lifetime giving forces attacked army bases in the capital and seized weapons. Current donor forces responded by using air force planes to bomb the capital building and Snidelyov’s fundraising data centre complex outside Drivethruvaka. Fighting continued through the night and into the morning.
Shortly before midnight local time President Snidelyov went on national TV to address the nation. He called for new elections and military action against the UN and current donor forces.
“People of Slododia. Yesterday, the UN World Charity Trust insulted our nation and our way of life. They refused to recognize the lifetime history of our donations to their charity by not putting us on their donor wall. This slight will not go unanswered. I call upon all Slobodians to rise up with me and take action against this outrage,” he said.
Rebel forces answered with an address from a captured radio station near the capital. Current donor forces leader General Dibblov Brewerski called on Snidelyov to resign and for the people to remain in their homes.
“President Snidelyov has taken us to the edge of the abyss. His refusal to understand the need for the UN to focus on their current capital campaign and the space limitations of the donor wall in their headquarters in Switzerland is a dangerous and reckless course. We call on him to resign and for his forces to lay down their arms and surrender,” he said.
Hoping to quell the violence, the UNWCHT again repeated the reasons for their decision. Chief Development Officer Spooley Blanc told a news conference in Geneva that the decision to exclude lifetime donors from the donor wall was based on common sense.
“We only have room for 300 names. If we recognized both lifetime donors and the donors to the current capital campaign we would have had 1,200 eligible names for the donor wall. We had to exclude someone. So, we decided to focus on the current campaign,” she said.
“I hope that clarifies things and that it won’t lead to further worldwide violence and stuff We just have time for lunch.”
The decision has already plunged the world into a diplomatic crisis. Russia, China and several African nations have demanded that the UN decision be reversed and that the donor wall be expanded. Reports say Russia has begun secret shipments of arms and fundraising equipment to President Snidelyov. The European Union has sided with the UN and Slobodian rebels. NATO officials are expected to meet next week to discuss a “No Fundraising Zone” around Slobodia.
In the US, the issue of the UN decision has split the country along partisan lines. US President Obama has called for both sides in the Slobodian civil war to start negotiations. However, secretly, administration officials say they back the UN move. A White House source told CNN “No one gives lifetime donors space on their donor wall anymore – only in goofy countries like Slobodia do they do that.”
Republican leaders meanwhile said that donor wall decisions should recognize individual rights. “All people everywhere have the right to buy booze, guns and have their donations recognized on a wall somewhere – even cats and dogs,” said US Fundraising Committee Senator Boyd Floyd.