Monday, April 23, 2012

New contract employees sentenced to five years’ probation

The Snidely Hospital Foundation’s three new employees have been sentenced to five years’ probation by their new boss. The three will have to work at least five years on probation before they are considered “real” employees.

“We’ve got those people just where we want them – close to indentured servitude,” said Foundation Executive Director Dibble Brewer. “They’re anxious, scared and know we can easily replace all of them in a heartbeat. That’s just how I like my foundation to operate.”

Most employers usually put their new employees on probation for six months or a year. However, a new trend is seeing employers extend probation periods for up to two years. The move saves money because employers don’t have to pay full benefits. It also lets employers jettison new workers quickly and easily if funding for their salaries changes.

“Our donors want us to have the lowest overhead administrative costs as possible. They don’t want us to spend money on things we don’t need like treating our new hires as real people. They want us to enslave them,” said Brewer. “They also want me to drive a Lexus as my leased vehicle.”

The three new employees, a finance clerk, a major gifts officer and the manager of direct mail, will all start work next Monday dressed in rags, chained to their desks with only two minutes for breaks and 15 minutes to eat lunch. They will receive their regular salaries, but only after they “donate” at least 20% of their wages to the Foundation. Benefits for probationary employees includes free rags and chains and a significant amount of weekly overtime, including hand washing and polishing the Foundation’s new Lexus.

“Probation was created as a kind of purgatory between Heaven and Hell for criminals and new hires alike,” says employment expert Susan Dewey, of the HR consulting firm Dewy, Screwum and Howe. “It was first brought into the workplace back in the early 19th century when employers were worried that new hires would run away with the keys to the safe. Now, it’s just a permissible form of abuse.”

The new hires say they appreciate the chance to work at the Foundation under the guidance of Ms. Brewer, whom they call “The Master”.

“I am grateful to be have given this opportunity to be treated like a second-class person by this great institution,” said new direct mail manager Lorraine Devouno. “I am not worthy of more than the lot I have been given by my masters. Please abuse me more. ”

For her part, Brewer has so far been pleased with her new probationary employers.

“I hired them because of all the semi-qualified people who applied these were the ones who were the biggest bootlickers. So far, they have not disappointed me.”

Funding for the three new employees is not set in stone. In fact, the finances of the Foundation have been in doubt since they ended their $25 million “Give Something!” capital campaign last month. The Foundation already had to lay off several people.

“We got rid of those employees who made too much and brought in these folks who make just a fraction. And the best thing about them is that they are expendable. I can get rid of them any time I want. In fact, I might just fire one of them tomorrow to show my evil power. And that’s what philanthropy is all about,” said Brewer.

The Foundation is hoping to expand its probationary program in the near future to include new hires who are permanently on probation and then extend the program to board members.