The Metro Foundation Trust, the City’s largest charity, has just hired a new communications manager. After a month-long hiring selection process involving more than ten staff members and 57 candidates, the charity decided to hire the person who had done the same similar shitty job the longest.
“We had a major decision on our hands. We had a lot of very qualified people apply. We finally decided that the only real way to pick our new communications manager was to pick the one who had done the same mediocre job the longest in a similar organization. That made it easy,” said Trust CEO Dani Snidely.
When the previous communications manager was terminated because of a nervous breakdown, the Trust began a three month long national search to find a replacement. This included national advertising in major newspapers, hiring a firm of head-hunters and posting the job on more than 27 job placement sites. More than 117 people applied, of which 57 were shortlisted.
“We should never have listened to Jessica in HR. She always wanted to do a national search for a new hire. Little did we know that it would flood our emails with resumes,” said Snidely. “Our staff committee identified 57 of people who were qualified. It was madness!”
Snidely says she rarely reads any resumes or cover letters that people send in for job competitions because that takes too much time.
“Some of these people actually want us to do some thinking about who we want to hire and stuff. I don’t think. I’m a charity CEO. Who’s got time to think?” she said.
Finally, after a 45 minute meeting, Snidely told her staff to just pick the idiot who had been doing a similar job the longest, no matter how shitty they were. The selection process took 17 minutes and everybody got to have a 120 minute lunch.
“All of these guys are the same. Yes, some of them have done new things, even written books and been successful consultants, but I needed extra time to go to the dry cleaners at lunch. What was I supposed to do? The easiest thing was to pick the longest-serving idiot out of the bunch and hope they aren’t too shitty. If they are, we’ll just axe them and start again. No biggie.”
The winning candidate, Dibble Brewer, is a burned-out communications director from a local hospital who has done a somewhat shitty job during her 20 year career.
“She’s never done anything new or original in her life. She just puppets what other communications gurus say. Can’t think her way out of a box. She has nice teeth and I think she plays golf. Hey, I’m sold on this shitty one. Let’s get back to work and take the day off I say,” said Snidely.
Snidely had a moment of panic when she thought how they would tell the other 56 candidates how they selected Brewer for the position until she realized that the Trust never replies to any job applicant.
“I got to hand it to Jessica. She came up with the policy to never, like never, ever respond to the whining that these people do about who got the job and why they weren’t selected and stuff. We just treat them like they never existed. It’s so much simpler. And there’s more time for coffee,” said Snidely.