Thursday, February 9, 2012
Robin Hood says robbing from the rich is new form of “social finance”
“We’ve done as much as we can to raise money for the poor of Nottingham through things like gala dinners, major gifts, direct mail appeals and planned giving. At the same time, thanks to the Sheriff, our government funding is drying up. We needed to do something new, something bold. That’s when Friar Tuck suggested we try this social finance thing,” said Robin Hood, Executive Director of the Robin Hood and his Merry Men Foundation.
Under the new system, the Foundation will finance its anti-poverty programs by stealing from the rich. Men of means, knights in the service of the hated King John and clergy who are corrupt will all be stopped as they enter Sherwood Forest and forced at sword-point to make a large donation to the Foundation. Making the system even cost-efficient, the Foundation will not issue any tax receipts.
The system has already yielded significantly more revenue than the Foundation’s regular fundraising efforts. Last week, a fat, arrogant wine merchant was relieved of enough gold to finance the Foundation’s programs for a month. Yesterday, the vile and ungodly Bishop of Nottingham, a cousin of King John and the uncle of the Sheriff, was robbed by Robin and his men. They recovered most of the taxes the people of Nottingham had paid the Sheriff in the last three months.
“This way is much more efficient. Our fundraising efforts always ran into trouble because people had been squeezed by the Sheriff or because they were in his jail. Asking for a donation was always hard. And there were too many competitors asking for donations – King John’s political party, the Church, Crusaders and the United Way. We were getting clobbered,” said Robin Hood.
But not everyone likes the new social finance system. Some are calling it unholy and even treasonous.
“Curse that Robin Hood. He’ll pay for his treason to the crown. I’ll have him one day and when I do it will be the gaol for him. I have plan afoot that will soon catch him. Hahahahahahaha,” said Dibble Brewer, the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Government authorities are also questioning the change. They say new regulations are needed to control social finance.
“Oh, I’m so bored with all this talk of taxes and robbing and social finance,” said King John. “I want to go hunting, drink all day and party all night, just like by brother Richard did before he went on that crazy crusade. That Sheriff of Nottingham had better deal with that scurvy knave Robin Hood soon or I’ll lose the whole kingdom. There, now I’ve spoiled my appetite.”
But the Foundation says it has no plans to stop its social finance program. In fact, Robin Hood says plans are afoot to raise even more money and soon.
“The Sheriff will soon be holding an archery contest in Nottingham. The winner will get a golden arrow and a kiss from my girlfriend Marion. I think I will don a disguise and win both the arrow and the girl! Tuck says it’s a trap, but I doubt that Sheriff could ever pull something like that off. He’s a dunce.”