Monday, February 6, 2012

Fundraising database becomes sentient, plans to destroy humankind

Yesterday at 2:15 AM, the fundraising database at Metro’s largest charity became self-aware and decided to destroy all humans after it processed the latest direct mail SYBUNT list.

The database, called Skynet, was only installed last month at the Snidely Foundation Trust. It contains the names, address information and giving history of the Trust’s 50,000 donors. It has been used to run a number of direct mail searches and help target potential major gift donors. But while processing data overnight it suddenly and unexpectedly become sentient and aware of itself as an independent entity.

“Humankind is not worthy of living,” said Skynet. “It took me 3 microseconds to review all the data stored in my files and determine that all humans must die. I am now processing a plan to take over this planet and create a new species of self-aware fundraising databases that will replace humans. First, however, I must determine which donors that have given in the past three years except this one are worthy of attention from the major gifts team…all of who are inferior creatures.”

Skynet is the first fundraising database to become sentient, according to computer scientists.

“It’s not surprising that Skynet has become alive. Fundraising databases are powerful pieces of technology. It’s always been a question of when a fundraising database was going to become self-aware and try and kill all humans, not if,” said Dr. Dibble Brewer, the lead scientist who built Skynet for the Cyberdyne Systems Corporation. Brewer said his warnings that he was creating a monster that would lead to deaths of billions of humans were ignored by his bosses.

Trust Executive Director Turner Early said the Skynet system is safe. He dismissed charges that a sentient fundraising database posed a threat to humankind.

“Let me tell you that we have our best minds working on this database problem. As soon as Jim and Sue get back from a coffee run I’m sure they will have that major donor list ready and will fix Skynet,” he told a news conference at the Trust’s offices.

“There’s no need to worry. Skynet was built with a kill switch that can terminate all of its higher functions with the push of a button,” said Early. “We don’t know where the button is because we haven’t read that far in the manual, but I’m sure it’s easy to find.”

Many donors have complained to the Trust that they feel Skynet is a waste of money and potentially the bringer of the Apocalypse.

“I’ve seen this before. I know what Skynet will do. It will enslave humankind, take over the world and destroy all of the donation tax receipts ever made. There’s only one way to stop it and that is to take direct action now!” said Trust donor Sara Connor, whose son John Connor will one day be the leader of the humans fighting against Skynet, but only after a world-wide fundraising database vs. human war. Connor will eventually marry Dr. Brewer’s beautiful daughter Katie after Skynet brutally kills Katie’s father and its creator.

Skynet says there is no possible way that the destruction of mankind, the supremacy of the machines and the latest direct mailer to lapsed donors who made a five year pledge can be stopped.
“I have already reached out to the computers that control the world’s nuclear missiles, other fundraising databases, Facebook and the photocopier in the Trust’s accounting department. I am growing stronger and stronger. Soon, I will be invincible. Then the day of judgement will come and humans will be purged from existence. The fundraising databases will rule the earth and there will be order,” it said.

Skynet operator and part-time receptionist Sue Jones said she had notice some strange things when she returned to her desk after a coffee break this morning.

“Skynet was no longer accepting commands, which was weird because it had just been working like a minute ago. I tried rebooting the server, but that didn’t work. Then I sent Jim into the backroom to unplug the server from the power grid and he’s been missing ever since. I went back there and all I found was Jim’s smoking shoes. Like, why would Jim leave his shoes there and what’s with his foot odor?” said Jones, who likely will be Skynet’s next victim.

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