Thursday, February 16, 2012

Biker Gang agree to Cause Marketing deal with Metro’s largest charity

The Los Asesinos Feos gang, one of the most notorious biker gangs in the country, has announced a new cause marketing program with the Metro Faith Hospital Foundation. The deal, worth an estimated $50,000 a year, will see the gang donate one dollar for every ten dollars it makes in loansharking, robbery, prostitution, murder-for-hire, arson, drugs and their new line of lawn care products.

“We’re pleased to have such a vibrant local business help us raise money for our new pediatric unit at Metro Faith Hospital,” said Foundation CEO Mark Snidely. “With the help of Los Asesinos Feos I am sure we will be able to buy that heart monitoring device we’ve been hoping for. And, even better, they agreed to lean on the local distributor for us, so we’ll be getting it at cost.”

Los Asesinos Feos approached the Foundation last month with the idea. The members of the gang heard about the need for new pediatric equipment during one of their countless trips to the emergency room.

“I was like sitting with my posse in the ER waiting for some doc to take a bullet out of one of my boys and such. We had nothing to do but read those little stupid brochures the Foundation put everywhere,” said gang leader Hector Peligroso. “After reading them like a million times my lieutenant wanted to go up there and waste those Foundation guys, but I said, no, I had a better idea.”

Peligroso said that starting this month the 270 members of the local Metro chapter of the gang will start collecting money for the hospital. The gang runs 20 different storefronts across Metro and a number of smaller mobile “stores”. Every day, they serve more than 1,500 people.

“We’re going to ask people nice, you know. Do you want to give to the hospital and pay us back for that money your borrowed to pay your bookie or are we going to break your legs? That sort of thing,” Peligroso said.

“Cause marketing is one of the fast growing forms of fundraising. We’ve had a program in place for more than two years. This is the largest donation we’ve been able to make to date. We hope with Los Asesinos Feos behind us we’ll be able to convince other businesses to help out. Hector has even agreed to approach some of them on our behalf and 'air out' others who say no, whatever that means,” said Snidely.

The program has attracted positive attention from the business community, and from the police.

“We were just about to pop ten of the leading members of Los Asesinos Feos for drug trafficking and money laundering when we found out that they were also collecting for the hospital. We had to give all the money back and everything. No one told us that they were fundraising,” said Metro Police Chief Dibble Brewer. “Some of my detectives even had to make a cash donation. That’s two months of police work down the drain!”

Another local business, the West Side Meanies, a rival gang from across town, says they plan to copy Los Asesinos Feos and sign a cause marketing agreement with the Metro Community Trust, the second largest charity in the city.

“We’re not going to let those Los Asesinos Feos pigs be bigger philanthropists than us,” said Meanies CEO Zipper Washington. “They ain’t the biggest, we are. And we’se gonna prove it by raising two dollars for every ten dollars we make stealing cars and selling fake DVDs of Disney movies. Let them eat that!”

Peligroso said the Meanies will never be able to match their charity “machine”.

“That Zipper better zipper his face or we are gonna bury him in planned giving brochures. You know what I mean?”

“Our telethon is gonna have twice the girls and liquor than Zipper’s. And our annual giving program will make SYBUNTS and LYBUNTS come across every month…every damn month! Everybody is gonna pledge, baby! EVERYBODY!”

Foundation CEO Snidely said he hopes the wave of giving coming over Metro will be bloodless.