Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fundraisers use time machine to determine campaign goal

Metro’s largest charity knows exactly how much money to raise for their new capital campaign thanks to their time machine. The Honking Hospital Foundation used the device to go forward four years into the future to determine that their new campaign should have a goal of $30 million.

The time machine, perfected by their fundraising consultants using alien technology acquired from a spaceship crash landing in Nevada, was able to give the Foundation regular insights on how their campaign progressed over the four year period.

“Figuring out how much our goal should be was easy when we could go to the campaign’s closing event and see us announcing we had raised $30 million,” said Foundation Executive Director Spooley Snidely. “Also, I didn’t realize how great I look.”

The time machine was used a total of 39 times during a one month period to go into the future and study various aspects of the campaign including fundraising, marketing, board governance, finance and the weekly staff 50-50 draw. Each time, Snidely and her fundraising consultant, Dr. Dibble Brewer, were able to walk into the future and interact with people there. The results they brought back were invaluable.

“Making our donor gift matrix was hard until I stepped through the time machine’s portal to ask myself who were the campaign’s biggest donors. I got done in one afternoon what would have taken me weeks to figure out and I also got all those weirdo gifts from left field that no one can ever predict,” she said. “Plus, I found out that my spouse was about to cheat on me in about a year from now because I was overbearing and emotionally distant.”

The trips into the future were also able to determine the name and brand of the campaign and what capital projects attracted the most donors and which ones were duds. Snidely also discovered that a pipe in the bathroom would burst during a cold snap two years from now, that her director of finance would be in a terrible car crash and that Snidely was going to get a major bonus.

“Knowing all these things would come to pass I took action. I divorced my husband, got our landlord to replace the pipe, fired the finance guy and bought a new house,” bragged Snidely. “There’s nothing but blue skies for the next four years.”

One of the greatest successes came in planned giving, said Snidely.

“We determined which donors died during the campaign on one of our visits. When we got back we told each one of them how much time they had left and then asked them to put us in their will. It worked like a charm.”

In a twist, Snidely also used the time machine to go back in time as well. He was also able to predict which members of the board would oppose her request for a future bonus and a secret about each of their pasts that they would rather not be divulged in a board meeting.

The machine, which resembles a prop from a bad sci-fi movie, uses the ebbs and flows of the forces of time to create a window into the future. Powered by a nuclear core and taking a team of 300 to operate from a secret location beneath a mountain in the Alberta foothills, the device is only being used for good, says creator and project director Dr. Brewer.

“We were approached by several government organizations, some bookies and older movie stars who were trying to get their careers back on track to use the device, but we said no. We wanted to use the machine to create goodness instead of badness,” he said. “And besides the best financial offer we got was from the fundraising industry.”

Unfortunately, not everything can be determine through a time machine. The Foundation’s board of directors ended up firing Snidely last week because of the $31 million price tag for using the time machine. Still Snidely was optimistic as she cleaned out her office.

“I really do think it was worth it. I can say without a doubt that I was successful in this campaign…at least in another reality. And best of all, I found out the winning number for next week’s lottery so I really don’t care what happens to the Foundation. Up theirs”