|The Foundation's EX-CEO|
“I am so very pleased to accept this award on behalf of all of my colleagues at the Foundation,” said Foundation CEO Dennis Drumming. “We all worked very hard to make it impossible for the public and our donors to tell just how much we spent on overhead last year. It really was a team effort. ”
The “Anti-Transparency Award” is given out to the charity that best demonstrates how to confuse, mislead or distract the public from understanding the true nature of its administrative overhead and expenses. This year’s competition was one of the toughest on record, with more than 200 nominations from 23 countries. The nomination from a mental health agency in North Korea was favoured to win because of their inherent expertise in hiding everything that is true about everything. In a startling upset, the North Koreans place second.
“We had a lot of competition this year, that’s for sure,” said Drumming. “Some people say that the Koreans got silver because their despot died or something, but I know that our Foundation put one heck of a submission together.”
The Foundation’s multi-part program for hiding their overhead involved more than sixteen different strategies and the work of nearly all 30 staff members.
“We realized that most people are too dumb to understand read financial reports, so we published more than two dozen incomplete financial statements. It would take most people a century to figure it out. And when they asked us for the numbers, we just kept referring them back to the financials. It was a hoot seeing them going round and round in circles!” said Drumming.
To further the confusion, the Foundation didn’t publish an annual report this year. Instead their website linked to their Hospital’s annual report. Causing even more head-scratching, the hospital lists some of the Foundation’s expenses and the Foundation lists some of the hospitals expenses.
“When donors did ask us, we told them with a straight face that our numbers were absolutely in line with the benchmark standard. I just made that up, but for most of them it seemed to work,” concluded Drumming.
“We bullshitted and confused everyone time and time again until almost all of them gave up,” said Drumming. “That’s why we won the award. It’s not every charity that can hide the fact that their overhead is 57%. We are just one hot organization. And now that I have this award, I can leave this miserable hole and go work for one of the really big charities that pay three times better and…uh, did I say 57%? Shit.”
In a related story, Drumming was fired from his job because of an investigation by tax authorities.