Sunday, October 30, 2011

Obama administration creates Department of Homeland Fundraising to raise $1 Trillion to pay for budget deficit

Making a donation
The Obama Administration is turning to fundraisers to help pay off the U.S. national budget deficit.

President Obama made the announcement at the White House this morning that he would be creating a new Department of Homeland Fundraising to oversee a $1 Trillion fundraising campaign to pay off the deficit by the end of the year. The new organization will start work immediately soliciting donations from both Americans and citizens of foreign countries.

“With the new Department of Homeland Fundraising, we will be able to bring together under one roof all the nation’s greatest fundraisers to help solve our budget deficit challenge and stop the federal government from defaulting on its debts,” Obama said.

The new head of the agency will be Ms. Dibble Snidely, a long-time fundraiser for several Ivey League universities and who has some of the whitest teeth in the country. She says she is optimistic the Department will reach its goal. 

“This is a big challenge, but we fundraisers never say no to a challenge. I know that with a lot of hard work, direct mail, some star-studded fundraising galas and some branded sportswear, we will prevail,” said Snidely.

The new agency will cost $250 million to start-up and use the latest fundraising techniques and technology, said Snidely. The agency’s first task to start a major fundraising campaign called “Give or Else”. Obama promised that the entire weight of the U.S. government would be put at Campaign’s disposal.

“Information technology, satellites, SWAT teams, chemical weapons, enhanced interrogation facilities – whatever you need Secretary Snidely, I will give you,” said Obama during the announcement. “There is nothing more important than this fundraising campaign.”

The President and Vice-President Joe Biden then went to the White House cafeteria to make a cash donation into the donation box by the cash register. Obama put in $10.00. Biden made a pledge of $100.00 to be paid out over the next 50 years.

“With the leadership of the President and Vice-President Biden we will make our goal,” said Snidely.

The Campaign will feature a direct mail campaign that will see all 300 million Americans receive a letter from the President next Tuesday asking for a donation of $5 a month. Seniors will receive an additional letter asking that they put a $1,000 donation to the U.S. national deficit in their will. Businesses around the country will be contacted by IRS agents asking for donations for a gigantic silent auction near the Washington Monument in the capitol next month.

An army of some 13,789 fundraisers will be hired between now and Friday to ask the 27 million already identified major gift prospects for donations of more than $1 million each. Members of Congress and some of the more likeable members of the Supreme Court will personally solicit the more than one million donors who have been identified as “top prospects”.

215 current, former and “has been” stars from the motion picture, recording, TV, theatre and fashion industries will be the faces of the Campaign, which will include 37 different poster children and 99 patrons.

Earlier this month, the Campaign met with a major setback when its new fundraising database software blew up after being fed too much information. Several programmers and prospect researchers were injured. A new super-computer under NORAD’s Cheyenne Mountain complex in Colorado has been installed to take over the database function using the latest artificial intelligence and alien technology procured from Area 51.

So far the Campaign has raised $17.50.

“We’re a little behind schedule, but I’m optimistic that the campaign will meet with great success,” said Snidely.

Click here to go to the Department of Homeland Fundraising website.

NOTE: This is in fact NOT TRUE. It is designed to be a humorous. Do NOT try and make a donation!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Using ninjas as fundraisers increases donations by a factor of 100

The symbol of the Fundraising Ninja
One of Metro’s largest charities has significantly increased its donations this year. The Metro Social Services Foundation reported at yesterday’s annual general meeting that fundraising revenues have risen from $14,000 last year to $1.4 million this year. Foundation leaders credit the huge increase to the ninjas they have been employing as fundraisers.

“We had a very good year,” said Foundation CEO Darrel Snidely during the AGM. “We owe a lot to our generous donors, and, of course, to the ninjas. I don’t know where we would be without them.”

The Foundation was in financial trouble last year because of the downturn in fundraising revenue and mismanagement by the previous CEO, Snidely said. They had to lay off seven staff members and rent out part of their office to another organization. Things looked bleak until Snidely was contacted by a mysterious figure dressed in black.

“It was night time and I was in bed. I heard something near the window. I saw a brief figure of a man and then a small curved blade was held to my neck. I thought I was a gonner, but then the man introduced himself as Donation Sensei Po from the Clan of the Dark Fundraising Ninjas from Japan. It was a most unusual sales call,” said Snidely.

The ninjas offered to contract out all fundraising activities for the Foundation for a modest fee and the right to recruit new members into their dojo from among the organization’s many volunteers. Always vague about their methods, the ninjas promised to deliver significantly improved fundraising revenues or die trying.

“I was hooked. I mean these guys were very impressive. I would go into our Board Room for a meeting with them and find it empty. Then I’d turn around to go and ten ninjas would be sitting there drinking tea,” recalled Snidely.

Initially, some board members objected to turning over all fundraising to the Clan of the Dark Fundraising Ninjas because of their shadowy past and methods.

“Eventually, they all came around and saw what an opportunity this was for the Foundation,” said Snidely. “Especially after one of the Board Members was found mysteriously dead of a rare poison at one of our Board retreats. Funny, that.”

The Clan of the Dark Fundraising Ninjas started their “Campaign of the Wind and Sky” four months ago. An unknown number of ninjas visited all 500 of the Foundations major donors.

“They were very persuasive. I asked them if they needed business cards or brochures and Sensei Po  just laughed. They were going to do all 500 solicitations face-to-face using their own charm and logic.”

Donors reported that the ninjas approached them in a variety of cunning and mysterious ways. One donor reported that when she looked in her rear-view mirror when driving to work she saw three ninjas there  asking her for a planned gift.  Another said a ninja popped out of the garbage can that he just put out on the curb for pick-up with a short killing sword in one hand a five year pledge form in another. Several dozen donors said that a ninja dart carrying the URL for a credit card donation site was shot into their office chair when they were at work, but they could not tell where it came from or who had fired it.

“I came home from shopping the other day to find my housekeeper and my dog and two cats all tied up and gagged on my couch surrounded by two dozen black-clad ninjas with swords,” said Foundation patron Cecilia Moneybags, who is also the head of the Moneybags Giving Trust. “They told me that nothing could stop them from making a fundraising call on me. Anywhere I went, they would be there as my shadow. Then they threw a flash bomb on the floor and disappeared. All I could find of them was a donation form that was already filled out with my name, address and donation amount.”

In a mysterious twist several long-time donors died during the campaign, but were able to make large and generous gifts to the Foundation in their newly written wills.

Snidely says the ninjas were able to raise the money they promised in half the time allotted. One ninja fundraiser who was slightly under the sales quota set by Donation Sensei Po had his left pinky finger cut off and presented to the Foundation in atonement.

“I can’t help but thank Clan of the Dark Fundraising Ninjas for all their hard work on this campaign. However, Donation Sensei Po said none of his ninjas could be visibly present at our annual general meeting today so I was to leave our appreciation plaque on the podium and they would collect it later after everyone was gone.”

Then Snidely read out a poem from Donation Sensei Po thanking the Foundation for opportunity to serve.

“To the Emperor Snidely and his minions, greetings. We, the warriors of the Clan of the Dark Fundraising Ninjas say thank you,” the poem began.

“I visit the grave of our ancestors in my mind daily. I will never find solace in any other way but the ninja way, the way of the sword and blood. No matter how many donors I kill or maim, I will always be true to the campaign. I hope the flowers on my grave will grow when I am gone. Death has little meaning to me. All that I am and will be is a fundraising ninja.”

Later, during the reception after the AGM Snidely noticed the plaque had been taken and replaced by a beautiful Japanese Chrysanthemum.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Metro charity’s donors too busy being Facebook friends to eat, sleep, pee

New Facebook page "driving the city mad"
Public health authorities are warning the public to be careful not to become addicted to the new Facebook page created last week by the Metro Community Trust, one of the largest charities in the City. The Facebook page is so powerful and addictive that some of the charity’s donors have begun to stop eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom.

“Local hospitals and 911 emergency services have been flooded by calls from donors to the Metro Community Trust,” said Dr. Toney Snidely, Director of Metro Public Health. “In all cases, they have become fixated on the Trust’s new Facebook page and withdraw from the rest of the world. They stop eating, drinking, washing and even going to the bathroom. It’s terrible.”

More than 113 people have so far been hospitalized by the mesmerizing Facebook page which was unveiled in an email to the Trust’s 12,000 donors last week. Authorities are worried that many more donors will succumb to the hypnotizing power of the Facebook page and its content.

“We have police officers, fireman and volunteers going door-to-door this morning in neighbourhoods where many of the donors live. Already, they have saved at least 17 people. We won’t stop until all the donors are safe,” said Metro Mayor Dibble Turdle during a news conference at City Hall.

Authorities noticed something was amiss when the daughter of one donor came home to find her mother at the computer reading the two dozen odd posts from the Trust’s Facebook page again and again. According to police, the woman kept sharing the Trust’s seven pictures on her own social media sites and then slumped over the computer unconscious. The woman hadn’t eaten, slept or washed for nearly 24 hours. She did make a $17.00 donation.

“Whatever content the Trust put up on the Facebook page is obviously too much. The stories about their upcoming fundraising dinner, the note from the CEO about gift planning and the out of focus pictures of the donation by the Rotary Club just made people go crazy,” said Police Chief Turney Vorhees. “People need to stop going to that Facebook site right now. It’s too dangerous.”

Experts agree that the use of Facebook by non-profit organizations can create powerful forces that interfere with normal cognition. “Research shows that non-profit Facebook pages act like cocaine on the brain. They shut down the centres that control all the higher functions and instantly addict them to the non-profit’s message, no matter how boring or out of date it is,” said Dr. Snidely.

One victim, Frewer Anick, 67, a donor who lives on East Street, said the effect of opening the Trust’s Facebook page was overwhelming. “Suddenly, I found myself completely connected to everything they were saying. Nothing else mattered. I had to read those tepid, badly written posts over and over. I was totally hooked. I only stopped because there was a power outage in my neighbourhood. That’s what saved me,” he said.

Mayor Turdle is urging all non-profits to use extreme caution on their Facebook pages until the emergency passes. “These charities need to realize that their social media is driving the City mad. They’re playing with dynamite and they have to stop.”

Trust spokesperson Cybil Dribble said they were unaware of the disaster since the charity doesn’t allow their own employees to access social media at work.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Police turn to charity world’s Prospect Researchers to help fight terrorism

Foiled by Prospect Research
Police forces across the globe are turning to a new source for information to battle terrorism – prospect researchers at large charities. The new strategy on the War Against Terrorism has already yielded a number of arrests in Washington, London and Toronto.

“Because of the cooperation of prospect researchers at one large, Ivy League university, we were able to crack one international terrorist cell wide open,” said George Fuentes, Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security in charge of the special prospect research project codenamed “Operation Bookworm”.

“We arrested 17 people in three countries as they were all sitting down to the same alumni chapter event. It was brilliant. We want to thank Kevin, Marilyn and that student intern who’s name no one can remember for their help,” he said.

Operation Bookworm started nine months ago when members of Interpol were at an anti-terrorism conference in Boston. During one luncheon, the discussion somehow veered into the role of university fundraising. Soon after, said Fuentes, the power of prospect research as a tool against terrorism became abundantly clear.

“I was joking about how my alma mater had found me with their direct mail campaign even after I moved into a new home and didn’t send them an address update,” he recalled. “Sure enough, that had happened to several other people. That’s when we thought ‘Hey, these guys are good. We need them on our team’.”

At first, prospect researchers were reluctant to help. The request for assistance eventually made it up all the way to the Secret Society of Prospect Researchers in Geneva. “When we received this request by the world’s police forces for help we hesitated,” explained Society President Jacque Deloute. “In our calling we must each take a solemn blood oath to use the power of prospect research for good, not for evil. Many of our members rightly asked our ethical council to rule on whether fighting terrorism fit the bill. The council ruled that it did, and now we’re helping authorities in 21 countries.”

In fact, many prospect researchers had already been quietly identifying terrorists for years, ever since 9/11. “We’ve suspected that many of our alumni are in factor terrorists for some time,” said Marilyn Smith, head of prospect research at an un-named university in the Boston area whom police will not identify for security reasons. “They would come to alumni events and ask people if they knew how to obtain large amounts of fertilizer. Sometimes they would be at booster events for one of our sports teams and they would be making maps of the nearby military facilities. And even once, we had one alumni member wanting to make a large donation to the Faculty of Science to fund research into ‘dirty bomb manufacturing’. All these little signs added up.”

With the power of the databases of more than 150 world leading charities, police say they have been able to make significant gains in tracking and foiling terrorism plots across the globe. They have also been able to identify more than 120,000 lost alumni and lapsed donors who were not in fact terrorists.

“With these new weapons, I think we’ve turned the corner on the War Against Terror,” said President Obama in a short statement released by the White House yesterday. “Together, we will show the world what the power of democracy and fundraising can do to stop the forces of hate.”

Thursday, October 13, 2011

New strategic plan lasts only 20 minutes

The Metro Community Foundation’s new five-year strategic plan was unveiled yesterday at a special ceremony at the charity’s downtown offices. Called Reaching for the Stars, the plan lasted a record 20 minutes before becoming totally irrelevant and meaningless.
Time's up!

“I want to thank all the staff, volunteers and board members who worked on this strategic plan for six months,” said Derfel Snidely, CEO of the Metro Community Foundation. “This is a great plan, and because of it this Foundation has a great future for the next 20 minutes or so until circumstances change and the plan disintegrates before our eyes like a fireball in the sky. Please stay and have some sandwiches.”

Reaching for the Stars was created after multiple rounds of consultations earlier this year. Headed up by Snidely and a committee of 12 people drawn from the entire organization, the plan was the product of 27 workshops, one plenary session, a voodoo ritual involving live chickens and a Vegetarian barbeque. In all, more than 150 people from inside and outside the organization contributed in some way to the plan, which was published in a 300-page booklet with accompanying appendixes and manuals.

The plan came up with three themes for the next five years. The first, called People First, involved 13 recommendations for improving the human capital of the Foundation. The second, called Empowering our Donors called for the Foundation to create stronger ties with its many supporters. The third theme, called Whatever, included all the other stuff nobody ever cares about like finance, administration and such.

“This is the finest strategic plan I’ve ever seen and I’m not just saying that because I’m the CEO and I led the strategic planning process,” said Snidely who later told friends that the plan was one of the dumbest he’d ever worked on and that it while it was too lame to work he’d have to put on a brave face for his staff.

Just 20 minutes after the plan was unveiled the Foundation received news that their core government funding had been cut. The Director of Finance also used the strategic plan meeting to announce that annual donations had taken a nose-dive in the past six months. The Director of Human Resources then announced that she was leaving to take up a position with another Metro charity and that before she left she’d lay off half the staff.

“That five-year plan gave me 20 minutes of hope and optimism,” said Snidely, who decided to retire 21 minutes after the unveiling of Reaching for the Stars. “We captured in this one totally over-the-top document all the dreams of our community and made them real for a very, very short period of time.”

“I wish the new CEO well in creating a new five-year plan,” he said while leaving to go play a quick round of golf. “I know that the next plan will be even better than this one.”

Staff members said despite the demise of the plan they were pleased with how things turned out. “We got free sandwiches at the meeting,” said Community Manager June Fowl.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Agency going to "Top 11 Social Media Tips" to compete with "Top 10" lists from competitors

Jason Snidely is "One More"
Jason Snidely is considering creating a new social media “top ten” list that is one better than his competitors. Snidley’s company, Snidely Media Workz, may soon be coming out with a “top eleven” list.

“All of our competition has top ten lists. The guys down the street have a social media top ten tips. Those two young teenagers who sound like their going through puberty from across town have one. Even the big guru at the local college who teaches this stuff because he’s too ornery to work with has one,” concluded Snidely.

“We need something better. We need to stand out in the crowd. Having a top eleven list would do that,” he added.

Snidley says “top ten” lists are fast becoming too common. “Everyone has one. If you’re a client and you want to look up social media top ten lists there will be like more than a hundred lists. A hundred times ten tips makes like a thousand tips. That’s like more than enough to give our clients a PHD in social media and who wants that?” he said.

The idea of making a “top eleven” list came to Snidely after reading one of his competitor’s lists.

“This list had all the same ideas that we have in our top ten list,” explained Snidely. “They had the bit about ‘getting the message right’, which we call ‘finding the right message’. They had an item called ‘keeping content up-to-date’ which we call ‘up-to-date content’. Like it was different and yet it felt like it was the same.”

“Then it came to me. What could be better than ten? That’s when I came up with the idea of eleven. It’s like one more than ten. Brilliant!”
The new “top eleven” social media tips list will be unveiled next week at the social media conference in downtown Metro. Snidely won’t say what the eleventh tip will be, but he says it will befitting of its prestigious position in social media tips list history.

“We’re keeping number eleven under wraps until the conference. During our workshop called ‘One better on Social Media’ we plan to unveil the whole thing and, like, blow the whole audience away,” said Snidely.

Social media watchers are excited by the new innovation. “This is going to be a pivotal moment in the history of social media tips lists,” said Bardley Stubbings, Executive Director of the Social Media List Authority, the North American governing body of social media tip list-making. Stubbings says the top eleven list will put Canada and the US ahead of the rest of the world. “The European Union only has 8 social media tips lists. China has 6, but it’s growing fast.”

Competitors are already preparing a counter-attack. Lisa Turnip, Chief Marketing Officer and Partner at Turnip Social Media House, says she will consider going to a “top twelve” list if Snidely Media Workz is successful. B

However, some others are calling the “top eleven” a PR stunt. “The top eleven thing will never last,” said Peter Rutabaga of Cabbage Street Social Media Dimensions, a bitter rival of Snidely Media Workz. “Besides, our tips are worth more than theirs pound for pound. We could have a top nine list that would equal theirs, no problem.”

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Every position at Metro charity downgraded to "coordinator" or "specialist"

Down is the new up
All the jobs at Metro Social Services have been changed. Yesterday, the charity announced to staff that almost all of its employees would be downgraded from manager and officer levels to coordinator and specialist levels. Those who are already coordinators or specialists will now become volunteers. The plan, created by the Human Resources and Finance specialists (formerly, the directors of those departments), will save the charity nearly half-a-million dollars in payroll costs.

"This is really going to make up for our recent government funding cutbacks," said Leadership Specialist and former Executive Director Sue Snidely. "By reclassifying each person's job at the lowest paid level possible we'll be getting much more bang for the buck."

Under the new system, the manager of community services will become the community services coordinator and the manager of client education will come the learning specialist. The fundraising officer will become a fundraising coordinator and the ten community services officers will become the services specialists.

Snidely says the charity will save at least $47,000 and a free parking space by downgrading her to a specialist classification. Under the new system, she will be expected to do the same work at roughly half the salary and two weeks less vacation.

"I'm really excited about this change, especially about getting new business cards," said Snidely. "I'm sure I can do an even better job with less compensation."

Ten employees will now be full-time volunteers. Snidely says reclassifying them was a bit more tricky. "After we downgraded everyone to the lowest possible level we had a very strange organizational chart. Something had to give. Then I had a brainwave and we came up with the idea of downgrading the existing coordinators and specialists all the way to volunteer status. That way, they'll still be beneath me in the hierarchy."

The one student placement position was handled by changing their classification to that of indentured servant. "They pretty much are slaves anyway," noted Snidely.

Snidely said the impact on morale has been very positive. "The staff have all been worried about what impact the government cutbacks would have on us. Now, they can rest assured that they all will be able to keep their jobs," she said. "When I told them at a big staff meeting they were all silent. That's the kind of determined spirit I was expecting from them."

Another part of the new system will involve adding more administrative tasks to the new coordinators and specialists. Each person will now be expected to clean their own part of the office, empty their own garbage and scrub their part of the floor with the charity's polisher once a week.

A second part of the plan, which begins next month, will see the charity's clients downgraded to "people seeking information instead of services". That is expected to save the charity another half-million dollars.