Sunday, October 30, 2011

Obama administration creates Department of Homeland Fundraising to raise $1 Trillion to pay for budget deficit

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The Obama Administration is turning to fundraisers to help pay off the U.S. national budget deficit.

President Obama made the announcement at the White House this morning that he would be creating a new Department of Homeland Fundraising to oversee a $1 Trillion fundraising campaign to pay off the deficit by the end of the year. The new organization will start work immediately soliciting donations from both Americans and citizens of foreign countries.

“With the new Department of Homeland Fundraising, we will be able to bring together under one roof all the nation’s greatest fundraisers to help solve our budget deficit challenge and stop the federal government from defaulting on its debts,” Obama said.

The new head of the agency will be Ms. Dibble Snidely, a long-time fundraiser for several Ivey League universities and who has some of the whitest teeth in the country. She says she is optimistic the Department will reach its goal. 

“This is a big challenge, but we fundraisers never say no to a challenge. I know that with a lot of hard work, direct mail, some star-studded fundraising galas and some branded sportswear, we will prevail,” said Snidely.

The new agency will cost $250 million to start-up and use the latest fundraising techniques and technology, said Snidely. The agency’s first task to start a major fundraising campaign called “Give or Else”. Obama promised that the entire weight of the U.S. government would be put at Campaign’s disposal.

“Information technology, satellites, SWAT teams, chemical weapons, enhanced interrogation facilities – whatever you need Secretary Snidely, I will give you,” said Obama during the announcement. “There is nothing more important than this fundraising campaign.”

The President and Vice-President Joe Biden then went to the White House cafeteria to make a cash donation into the donation box by the cash register. Obama put in $10.00. Biden made a pledge of $100.00 to be paid out over the next 50 years.

“With the leadership of the President and Vice-President Biden we will make our goal,” said Snidely.

The Campaign will feature a direct mail campaign that will see all 300 million Americans receive a letter from the President next Tuesday asking for a donation of $5 a month. Seniors will receive an additional letter asking that they put a $1,000 donation to the U.S. national deficit in their will. Businesses around the country will be contacted by IRS agents asking for donations for a gigantic silent auction near the Washington Monument in the capitol next month.

An army of some 13,789 fundraisers will be hired between now and Friday to ask the 27 million already identified major gift prospects for donations of more than $1 million each. Members of Congress and some of the more likeable members of the Supreme Court will personally solicit the more than one million donors who have been identified as “top prospects”.

215 current, former and “has been” stars from the motion picture, recording, TV, theatre and fashion industries will be the faces of the Campaign, which will include 37 different poster children and 99 patrons.

Earlier this month, the Campaign met with a major setback when its new fundraising database software blew up after being fed too much information. Several programmers and prospect researchers were injured. A new super-computer under NORAD’s Cheyenne Mountain complex in Colorado has been installed to take over the database function using the latest artificial intelligence and alien technology procured from Area 51.

So far the Campaign has raised $17.50.

“We’re a little behind schedule, but I’m optimistic that the campaign will meet with great success,” said Snidely.

Click here to go to the Department of Homeland Fundraising website.

NOTE: This is in fact NOT TRUE. It is designed to be a humorous. Do NOT try and make a donation!